in the midst of my solitude

木曜日, 4月 06, 2006

i don't know anymore.

ewan ko na!
i can't stop crying now. i hate crying!
it was over even before it started. i talked to abz kanina, and she was a big help.
he didn't want to continue because he didn't want to hurt me...
he's still the same...
he still doesn't realize that... it's okay for me to get hurt (as long as it's nothing major) because i know that if he ever hurt me, then it wouldn't be on purpose. hindi naman siya ganun. pero... hanggang ngayon, he still doesn't realize that it's okay for me to get hurt, but i don't want him to be the cause of my hurt or for me to be the cause of his hurt. i don't want to see him in pain.
he told me in 2nd year that he had a previous relationship and it hurt him really badly to the point that he didn't want to be in another relationship or he couldn't take any other realtionship seriously. when i found that out, i promised myself that i would never hurt him that way, even as a friend, and i would always try my best to be there for him. when we drifted apart in third year, it hurt. but i would always worry about him anyway... yeah, i know it's weird but that's how it was. i hate myself.
when i fall, i fall hard.
can't anyone catch me then!? nope...
guess not.
fresh round of tears.
he wanted to break off while it was still like and not yet love. if it were love, it would hurt so much more. i understand that...
but he doesn't realize that i don't like him... im in the stage between like and love. but that's not his fault. it's mine. i let myself go that far.
i hate myself for it.
fumi ended this way.
i promised myself that i would never, ever cry for a guy again. but here i am, crying yet again! and this time... for a long time... i hate this.
hey it's not his fault. i just hate myself so much for this.
abz asked me if i was mad.
i really don't know.
one part of me is
the other is just depressed
the other is still hurting
the other is just... thinking.
thinking... and thinking...
i don't know anymore.
but i just don't understand why he let me hope on... why he let me think that we had a chance... i hate that. i hate having a false hope to cling on. i really hate it. i've had too many times in my life like that.
i don't understand why he gave me his prom pictures either. i was looking at it, and the more i looked at it, the more i cried. it's so annoying... but at least, i guess i have something to remember him by. i'll miss him though.
thanks abz, for explaining.
~~~

i feel a lot better now. crying does help, doesn't it? amazing.
buti nalang. i should be fine by tomorrow.
i just hope i can talk to him again..
but i got to move along.

when all you gotta keep it strong
move along move along like i know ya do
and even when your hope is gone
move along move along just to make it through!

if only it were that easy...
It is so strange... My teddy bear, which Sofia and Marie gave me, has seen the start and the end. i wonder how many more there will be...
I love you my teddy bear.
Im fine now. i think.
Baliw na ako eh.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 4月 06, 2006

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