in the midst of my solitude

火曜日, 12月 26, 2006

So the last hours of Christmas are almost over, and Im still pondering over Christmas shopping.
Well, wait.
First, recap!

Yesterday:
Lazed around till around 5:30, then went to get ready for church.
got to Sun Valley at around 7:20, then went to walk to the nearby church where we spent two agonizing hours listening to the priest and his practically nonsensical homily. he dragged on and on and i wanted to shoot myself. not kidding.
got back at 9:30-ish, after running into some losers who thought they were cool. Yes, go piss on the sidewalk when there's a whole family right behind you, asshole. it's people like you who give rockers a bad name. his friend was throwing stones at him and i froze them with a Look. yes when im pissed they say i can get kinda scary. >_> good thing it worked this time. ugh, bastos talaga.
well anyway, we had our christmas Noche Buena!!! ahh the best thing about christmas is eating noche buena with your family. Me, Mom, Anton, Dad, Carmen, Lola and Michelle. fun.
Chuckie had a santa hat! cute annoying dog.

Lola: Chuckie! what can i give you?
Dad: Lead poisoning?
Me: *snicker* nice one XD

then

Lola: what do you want chuckie? chicken or ham?
Michelle: lola! no ham for him!
Dad: give him ham :D
Me: DAD! masama nga eh!

as you can see, my concern for the dog depends on my mood. usually though, i care for him. lol
oh to presents. im pretty happy.
got lotsa money, so ive got cosplay and BJD money now. yes, im going to save up for a BJD. so far i have 9k, but ill start saving at 6k. T_T mainly because i have to go christmas shopping for my friends still. I have to give kuya ly a good gift and also kuya fart, and then sina chris at jc, myk and pat also. and then there's my mello cosplay which will cost a bit too... about 2k, i expect. i expect to spend at least 1k on my friends. i won't hold back on them since they have been there for me. even little trinkets will be okay...
so yes. i gave khal's gift last 23 XD

list of stuff i got:
8k cash
blouses
accessories
IPOD VIDEO 80gig!!
cow jr. III
XD

im happy with that.
spent the day with my cousins too, lent kuya chicco the death note. hope he enjoys. have to arrange a divisoria day for my mello cosplay, as well as an ukayukay day. then i have to fix up my applications and stuff. my essays need doing too. wish me luck!
oh, had a traditional English dinner complete with the flaming Christmas Pudding. that was fun XD
Lolz.
so yes

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 12月 26, 2006

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日曜日, 12月 24, 2006

i want Kirill. I really hope dad will let me have one...
he's $349... O.o sooo expensive, but i know worth it...
*sigh*
Kirill!!!

oh btw,
Merry Christmas everyone.

Kanae.

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 12月 24, 2006

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土曜日, 12月 23, 2006

so i just got back from teh WTF Xmas Party. i was there for a bit, and i really had a lot of fun. I had a bonding session with Shorty, Twist and JC wherein we reminiscinced about High School days (God I feel old), cosplaying, Filipino Pride and other things.
Again, teh Mello remarks. I am honored. XD
Twist said i can look like him with no effort if i straighten my hair and bleach it. im seriously considering. im getting the stuff made ASAP, and i believe a trip to divisoria is due very soon. i have to buy a blonde wig and leather gloves. the gun i will borrow from my beloved. <3 wish me luck; i do want to do justice to Mello since i have been obsessing over him for the past week.
the party was fun; pity i could only stay a while. also had a talk with ate anje and observed everyone around. it was really nice and i realize again why i love this community so much.
it really helped that Khallaene was there too.
Mom freaked out because Khallaene's mom gave me a gift. I was very surprised, i must admit. i think it's very kind of her to do that; i must remember to send a thank-you note.
i hope he likes my gift.
chatted with chris and diego. had to update sinack, he's a bit behind with the news.
well gotta go, writing my essay again -.- aba tyinaga. lolz
Merry Christmas, guys XD
ja

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 12月 23, 2006

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金曜日, 12月 22, 2006

Hm... this is Kanae's blog right?
do you think i can write here once in a while? i mean, i am a part of her too...
oh well, no matter. ill write anyway! ^_^
well, a lot of things have been troubling me -.- first of all, there's the fact that i dont want to study anymore and that ive been thinking too much, way too much for my own good. i cant write good stories anymore, though i wrote one with kanae Monday about Mello and Matt. if they got together, i'd be happy! ^_^ they're cute.
well anyway... a lot of things have been bugging me... the voice in my head, the thing called a conscience, has been talking to me a lot more and it wont stop. people are asking me to be normal, but that's impossible! i cant be normal... its like asking the Pope to convert to Islam. its just not possible. Kanae wasnt born normal (she wouldnt cry) and i doubt she will ever be. they should stop asking :D
another thing is that im so highly unmotivated right now. i dont know what will make me study. i have no desire to be the best in my class; im fine with third. but, i mean, i need something to get me interested in academics again. they say im a good student with little motivation, and an excellent student when i have a goal in mind. what can make me study again?
maybe a Dollfie? those are really pretty. i want a boy dollfie.
and a trip to japan.
maybe a new computer?
maybe that will motivate me... o.o
cosplaying isnt working as motivation; its simply my hobby.
blackmailing isnt going to work either. ill try for a while then ill stop because ill stop caring.
what will make me care?
can you think of something for me?
Kanae needs help too~ im the intellectual side... the intellectual side with no motivation whatsoever. ^^
i really am like Matt when i have no motvation, but im like Mello when i do.
i go insane ^_^
help please~ just write in the tagbox if you have any ideas... thank you!
It's nice to meet you, by the way.
My name is I. i forgot my real name. but anyway, its I and they say im smart but i have the confidence and emotional stability of a twelve year old. im not that unstable! but yeah, im kinda smart. i sleep a lot though. ^_^ and i like to read.
nice to meet you all!

I

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 12月 22, 2006

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水曜日, 12月 20, 2006

im going insane.
i really dont know why. what am i, the product of this world's insanity?!
i seriously do not appreciate that.
my feelings of dread are growing deeper and deeper as the minutes progress. i feel like matt; i have nothing to look forward to. im dreadfully bored in life.
hopefully i dont find the scissors tempting again.
yes, dears, i am that bored.
i need something more than this.
this what?
life?
boredom?
insanity?
inanity?
im finding life to be so dreadfully inane right now that i would love to have someone like Mello crash into my life and set me free from this.
im just an average girl with an IQ of 120 and no real genius. but really, why am i finding everything to be so damn... boring?
granted, yes, my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful (he's everything i could ask for <3) , and photoshoots and cosplays are great, but the thing is, they come so little in a month that i have to fill up the rest of the month without it. no, my life does not center on those activities alone. my life centers on my interests. unfortunately, i dont have many.
jeez im becoming like Matt.
-.- im reading too much.
that's the only thing that sets me apart from Mello, apart from the bloodthirsty thoughts he has. I just am not motivated. maybe im more of a matt than a Mello? or maybe i'm both?
haha, i just do not have the looks or the sex drive of the two boys.
LOL.
ugh, im just so out of it these days... reading forensic books, staring mindlessly out the window and hoping, wishing, dreaming something even remotely interesting would happen. its failing.
im soo bored.
i dont even know what i want anymore.
i just want to curl up and die.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 12月 20, 2006

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o0kay, the past two days have been filled with Mello. well, MelloXMatt fanfics to be precise, but more of Mello.
hm, i wonder why. its bordering on obssession, i guess. i think its because people have started calling me Mello that i actually am starting to get an interest in him. haha they said that if i were to be a character in death note, id end up as Mello's twin sister. Yes, because of my bowl haircut i look like Mello. all i have to do is get it bleached. yes, that remains to be the only reason that i love this haircut. not because i look 'cute' (eww... they said i do, i still dont believe them), but because they say i look like Mello. same eyes, same hair, same insane smile when im furiously pissed... AHAHAAA that's why i wear the blonde wig to school.
the scary thing is i can write and think like Mello. my thoughts are like his, i would do exactly what he did and i am the same competitive, arrogant, annoying, violent little girl inside. ugh, thank God i can hide it.
...it does melt away though... to come back when im seriously pissed and or angry.
trust me, with me, pissed and angry are two different things.
Aftiel. I.
I is like that, only she's a mix of that and a childish little girl. Aftiel is... michael of angel sanctuary turned human turned girl. Lol.
yeah im twisted.
so yes, i do adore Mello not because im completely insane but because, well, im like him i guess. only he's better and a complete utter genius.
DAMMIT.
lolz
from there i think that the reason i like the mattXmello pairings is because i want to find my own Matt. its not that im unsatisfied with my relationship, im very happy actually, its just that i have never experienced the kind of loyalty Matt showers Mello with. maybe im trying to find that little sign that says that MAYBE IM NOT A TOTAL LONER IN THIS WORLD.
ha, maybe.

Kanae

ラベル: ramblings. ignore.

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 12月 20, 2006

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火曜日, 12月 19, 2006

i wrote a mattXmello fan fic.
well, its about what's going on through Mello's mind as he was dying, when he knew that Matt was already dead. I didnt mean for it to be Yaoi... but it ended up slightly yaoi-ish.
so yes, i hope chynna read it and i hope she gives me feedback soon.
off to bacolod tomorrow. DAMN.
no load. DAMNer.
greeeeeeeeeat.
oh and they say i think like Michael and Mello.
what does they say about me!?
ahahahaha... ja

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 12月 19, 2006

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日曜日, 12月 17, 2006

yes, today marks my third month of being Khal's girlfriend.
i am happy.
ironically, today was supposed to be painful since it has officially been two years since Fumi left, but instead, it was good. im getting over him slowly, and im really glad Khal's there to help me... though he doesnt realize it. XD

Fumi,
I do hope you're happy there in Yokohama. You were important to me, and I do hope that I was able to help you, even a little. I hope you're happy... because I finally am.
Your Filipina friend,
Kanae.

anyway, back to happiness.
im glad to be with Khal. i really am... i hope that we can last this way. I love him, a lot.
Aishiterru~

Oh and we also had the family reunion.
My cousins were looking for him. LOL
no, not yet... its not yet his time to meet the insanity that is our family. XD
nice seeing them all today though. we're arranging something soon; hopefully it pushes through. today i realized how much i do miss Gab and Annika along with my Brillantes cousins. XD
so yes.
I am painfully bored!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 12月 17, 2006

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金曜日, 12月 15, 2006

so EK was fun.
we went there, Victor, Hannah, Luke, Chynna, Kisha and I... went on a few rides and went around. it was annoying since EK closed at 7pm, but it was fun.
We waited a whole hour for the Space Shuttle ride, but it was okay. i actually kept my eyes open this whole time...and ended up losing my center of gravity. the IB got a bit of sidecomments since we kept speaking in English (and Chinese) and were kinda weird, but hey, it was fun.
some guy also tried to touch my ass. aftiel was sooo pissed!!! XD (third time's the charm, bitch. a slap's what you'll get... or better yet, a nice big black eye. >:))
surprise, surprise...
today made up for yesterday.
guess who was in EK today?
yup, Khal. and i didnt even know until i actually got there. it was nice seeing him today...
and very sweet.
watching fireworks together? how cliche in my book...
...but i don't mind at all. -^^-
3rd monthsary on Sunday... im happy for it.
Saw Kuyas Neil, Krelian, Nilopie, Fart, Jojo, Jemire, Kuronue, Jay, Christian... and ates Tel, Catherine, Lyra... XDD so much fun!
even if the day was short and i didnt get to do much... it was still fun.
Christmas is coming.
yey.
see ya guys...

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 12月 15, 2006

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木曜日, 12月 14, 2006

ahahahahahaaaaa
hey there. why am I here again? Oh yesss, i remember! Its to introduce myself, so that I dont get forgotten by Kanae-chan. Ah my name is Aftiel, and I have absorbed Sunabi and Cerise into me. SO yes, i am very violent and you bitches dont wanna cross me on a bad day.
Now, today wasnt a good day for us, was it, Kanae-chan? aww, poor dear.
she missed that boy, the boy who was once important to her. Two years? yeah, two years since he left, and he's still on her mind. that's what happens when you cant severe the links or you cant close the doors to your past. ouchness.
plus that goddamned bitch of a fucking vice principal had to add up to her damn problems. oh yes, faculty gets 3 parties. basic ed gets a party and a break. what does she get? natheeeeeeng. so very kind! adored! NOT. biiitch.
Oh yes, i forgot. before i rant, i have to introduce and describe myself properly.
My name is Aftiel. Personalities were getting mixed up, so they created one to absorb the others. And thats ME! XD
i am hyper, bitchy and nice at the same time as long as you dont cross my path. i come out in extreeme fits of emotion and i understand things more than this girl, Kanae. and, i forget, i am probably more confident too.
I understand Kanae has a boyfriend? great! i'd love to meet him. hm hm hm... Khallaene, i think was his name? and Sunabi liked his alter-ego? Kinshin? great, ill meet him too! X3 this will be sooo fun.
its kinda hard though. i gotta take note of all these names and memories and shit... *shrugs* its all part of the fun, i guess? and i gotta draw myself into her life too... *gets scrapbook* ill have a little looksee in the mirror later. ill put myself next to I, the proper-name-less one.
so anyway, yeah.
Btw, we're both addicted to Angel Sanctuary. i quite Michael-kun. he's hot.
dream kid? him. only without the woman-hating thing. AHAHA.
so there!
nice ta meet ya bitches!
Aftiel signing off!

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 12月 14, 2006

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火曜日, 12月 12, 2006

mmmkay. ive started with some stuff, i had fun over at AME Matsuri.
it was funny; Luke was rather... amused by the world I inhabit. lol
also interesting, I finished a book called Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs. Very good, i liked it immensly. It was the one that stoppped me from studying. LOL. XD
and its strange. I like it...
oh, and yes. i keep forgetting what I was going to write about. uhm.
Oh yes!!
I love Michael of Angel Sanctuary. I have found Sunabi's male counterpart. ^_^ awwww i like him...!!
I think i have a thing for 5'5" tempermental boys. o_O
go figure.
and i really really really want to watch/read Angel Sanctuary now. it looks very interesting. sacrileigous, but cool. XD ahaha its soo me.
Fallen Angels, Heretics, Angelic Demons.
Reincarnation and wings.
Heaven, Hell and the Earth colliding.
definitely me.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 12月 12, 2006

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日曜日, 12月 10, 2006

stop.
for one day.
stop.
i cannot take it anymore.
i feel death coming.

kanae.

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 12月 10, 2006

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土曜日, 12月 09, 2006

Ame was fun and stressful; i had to run around the whole day.
But the actual thing was fun.
Dante?
Yes.
definitely.
HAHA.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 12月 09, 2006

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木曜日, 12月 07, 2006

So I've decided to take a short break from my sewing to write.
Yesterday, the IB and I went to the Orphanage of Saint Rita College to visit them and play with them as part of our CAS. There, I met this two year old boy named Justine San Lorenzo, a young orphan abandoned by his mother to the care of the nuns. He is adorable. He has pale skin, dark black-brown hair and huge, passive black eyes. I call him my little Rocker-Goth boy. His hair was up in a little mohawk and he was soooo cute. Jake and I fought over him, but he's MINE. and yes, i am possessive over him.
I want to visit him again this Christmas and give him a little gift. I connected with him easily. I remember going around with him and telling him about the countries and their flags, especially about the countries where his adopted brothers and sisters are. US, Germany, UK, Spain, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Australia, France, Italy, Mexico... I sang NightmaRe to him too, and when I did, he looked up at me and just watched as I sang. He was soo cute. When I asked him if he could talk,he at first shook his head. But after the afternoon was over, when I asked him if he could talk, he nodded. He was soo cute. He wouldn't let go of my hand, and he would sit on my lap. I have a picture with him. He also seems to be interested in cameras and cellphones. o_O and he pretty much is used to being photographed. I wanted that picture of him standing in his crib. You don't know how much I wanted to steal that picture.
He eats everything and knows how to put trash in the proper place.
I want to adopt him.
They were teasing me that when he comes back he'll be a little goth rocker boy with black eyeliner and nailpolish who listens to JRock. how'd they guess? LOL
But seriously, I wanted to. I asked mom and Mike. they said sure, but he'll be my kid.
I'm too young.
DAMMIT.
I love that little boy. One day, Justine, you will be mine!
Maybe I can ask ate nitz to adopt him.
*thinks*
or dad.
I will try.
but at the very least I'll go back there and visit him.
I miss my baby Justine.

Oh and I'm sewing Luke's vest right now so I'd better go back to work before I prick myself yet again.
Prick count: 5.
Two days to AME. HELP!

Kanae

ラベル: random, touching moments

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 12月 07, 2006

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月曜日, 12月 04, 2006

yes i will never be the perfect child.
i dont want people in my house if i dont know them.
i cant be the holy child.
i cant be the happy bouncy child either.
get over it!
i wont be the child youve dreamed of having.
sorry, but i wont.
and you know what? its your fault.

Sunabi.

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 12月 04, 2006

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i was really bad trip this morning.
I DONT KNOW WHY. *LOL*
and we have a sloth.
Sloth- Jessa
Greed- Luke
Envy- Katrina
Gluttony- Samer (hopefully)

yey~

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 12月 04, 2006

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土曜日, 12月 02, 2006

NightmaRe- SNoW

Romanji
ima nanjika oshiete yume to itte dakishimete
haikyo no machi ni mioboe ga aru
anata to mekutta shashinshuu no naka
doushite hitori atashi wa hitori
sugu ni sugu ni yume nanda to kizuku
gareki wo hashiru nanika kettobasu
yume kara sameru deguchi wo sagasu no
hayaku ikanakya hayaku ikanakya
dokoka de anata no koe ga shiteru no
ugoite iru toki no naka shika eien nante mienainda
ima nanjika oshiete yume to itte dakishimete
tomari kaketa atashi no kokoro wo ugokashite onegai
tonari ni anata wa iru tabun chigau yume wo mite
taiyou nanka iranai anata no egao ga ima koishikute
anata wo omou konna ni omou
sonna atashi wo yume de mitsuketa no
motto shiritai motto shiritai
anata no koto wo motto motto shiritai
nantoka shinakya shikkari shinakya
donna sekai ni mo setsunasa ga afureru
toki ga itoshii nazeka itoshii
ima wa motto anata wo shiritai
wasureteta yo shinjinakereba donna koto demo hajimaranainda
ippun ichibyou demo zutto zutto dakishimete
warui yume wo miteita dake to sasayaite kudasai
tonari ni anata ga ita ima mo kitto soba ni iru no
araame ga nattatte anata no koe shika todokanai wa
todoketainda
ima aitainda
kimi wo mamotteita
tamani wa kikitainda
hajiketainda
warattetainda
hajimetainda
ima nanjika oshiete yume to itte dakishimete
tomari kaketa atashi no kokoro wo ugokashite onegai
tonari ni anata wa iru tabun chigau yume wo mite
taiyou nanka iranai anata no egao ga ima koishikute

English

tell me what time it is right now and embrace me saying that it's a dream
I remeber seeing this ruined city
inside the magazine I flipped through with you
why alone, I'm alone
soon enough I realize it's a dream
I kicked something as I ran in the rubble
seraching for the exit to awake from the dream
I have to hurry, I have to hurry
I can hear your voice from somewhere
you can only see eternity within the moving time
tell me what time it is right now and embrace me saying that it's a dream
please move my heart that has begun to stop
you're next to me, probably seeing a different dream
I don't need the sun, I'm missing your smile right now
I think of you, I think of you so much
I found such a self in my dream
I want to know more, I want to know more
I want to know more and more about you
I have to do something, I have to shape up
loneliness overflows in any world
time is precious, somehow it's precious
for now, I want to know more about you
I forgot that nothing begins if you don't believe
hold me longer even by a minute or a second
please whisper that I was just seeing a nightmare
you were right next to me, and probably still are
even if the storm crashes only your voice reaches me
I want to deliver it
I want to see you now
I was protecting you
and I want toask sometimes
I want to burst
I want to laugh
I want to start
tell me what time it is right now and embrace me saying that it's a dream
please move my heart that has begun to stop
you're next to me, probably seeing a different dream
I don't need the sun, I'm missing your smile right now

*I really like this song.

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 12月 02, 2006

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