in the midst of my solitude

火曜日, 5月 30, 2006

I'm feeling depressed again today...
well, just now...
i don't know why... the loneliness spasm has returned... and it hurts.
last night i dreamt of Fumi. i thought i was over him already, but apparently im not...
it's been a year and a half, and i don't know why i can't forget him... i really don't know why.
i don't even know why i remembered him so suddenly.
hmm...
i've been on a naruto marathon for the past week... i like it!!! i have been re-introduced to my obsession with naruto. ^_^ i will borrow the second season...
hm. im bored.
last EB on saturday T_T hay...
awardings of best love team. waah! ka love-team ko si *C* at si Yoru-kun. lol
heh, pero kilig nonetheless.
wai... i feel better now.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 30, 2006

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土曜日, 5月 27, 2006

waaaaaah!!!

MANA-SAMA WILL BE IN AMERICA IN JULY!!! I SO HAVE TO GO!!!

*NARUTOMODE*

BASICALLY, THAT SUMS UP WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING.
NIGHT.

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 5月 27, 2006

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月曜日, 5月 22, 2006

YESTERDAY WAS SM MALL OF ASIA COSPLAY GATHERING and grand opening

It was so much fun!! I saw everyone again and I met new people… so many people. @_@
It was a lot of fun since I could meet everyone again, and bond with people I usually don’t go with. I was with kuya Slyph, ate Christine and Pat and Myk a lot.
I met Yoru-kun! ^_^ and ate Shorty, Keno, Kitsune and Itachi349 (Jhozelle)… I was able to talk a bit with them… and I had fun. ^_^ I like them.
I TALKED TO ALODIA. Waaai!! I never thought I would EVER talk to her (what more get star struck @_@) but yeah. She was very nice. She liked my costume. @_@ waaai!! She’ll so win, but she deserves it. Her costume was so good. Diego is so star struck when she’s near… lol. Peace, Diego!
I HAVE TO PUT LINKS. ^_^
People who I met/saw again yesterday:

Yoru-kun
Keno
Shorty_shinta14
Itachi_Kitsune ßdeidara
Itachi349 ßbleach
Dirty Karate Bubble ßmember class 3-D of Gokusen
Allsunday ß member class 3-D of Gokusen
Zengar_Zombolt ß Tin Man
sumirehana013 ßthe girl with the HUGE anchor. ^_^ dunno the character.
Batella (!!) ß really cool Trinity Blood costume
chie
Alodia (!!) ß really nice Fairy costume. She’ll win. ^_^
Lab Rat
Kairi ßstreet fighter
Carissa ßsoushouseiki of Rozen Maiden. Huge scissors. Really.
Marlon ß NARUTO!!!
Maiya-Hanazawa ß I forgot the character also.
(the girl…)
(the girl I forgot)
Wu Fei (Asumi Kanagawa) ß King of Fighters
Ceravi_Ceres ßSakura Shinguji!
Nilopie
Kurt Ogawa ßSailor Mars
Meilin_Xiaomei ßFatal Frame (ASTIG MAKE-UP!)
Scha_Clyne
Nowie
Nowie’s friend. ^_^
Hypernix
Slyph ßUnknown ^_^
Hugz
Kuya Bear ßLogan from a PS game (he had hair! O.O)
Blazingbyakugan ßNeji!
Christian ß Reno of Final Fantasy
Khiske ß One Piece gay guy (LOLZ)
Anachan14
Eloisachan14 ßSeason Fairy
Kuya Brian
Hsien-ko ßAte Tel as Hsien-ko… soo good…
Kuronue ß I think he was Hanya. O.o
Sinackular ßSteve Fox of Tekken
Neil_Yamato ß Auron of FFX (?)
~Catherine(2)~
Mistress_kasumi09
Gibs ßAbare Red!
Throngskill ßKing of Fighters’ Iyori Yagami
Buriki_Boy ßLuffy of One Piece!!
Yui.Demonia ß Ewan pero astig. Sa Utena ata?
Ate Christine ßseason Fairy
Kunebitt ßSongstress Yuna of Final Fantasy X-2
Deacon ßKite of .Hack//Legend of the Twilight
Anyone I forgot, forgive me. Rami eh… :P
Sayang wala si evilstar13! We could have had a SISC Cosplayers picture. Sure we’re only 4, but hey, it’ll be fun. ^_^
MYK WAS IN COSTUME!! He joined the NCC!! Wohoo!! ^_^ astig sobra. Ang cute! He went as Kite of .Hack //Legend of the Twilight.
Can’t wait for my next Mana costume: Verte Aile. And then Mykhos will have his Kozi done… and I have to get my Angel done… waah! Hirap. ^_^;; but fun. ^_^
Kairi reminds me of Ramon Bautista… BUT NICER and CUTER!
It was actually pretty awkward yesterday because I arrived at SM MOA alone, in costume too. People kept staring and asking for pictures. Waah!! I was so scared that I would be the only one there, but fortunately I saw Carissa and Wu Fei, and another girl, who I talked to but I didn’t get her name. Kairi introduced me to another girl, but I couldn’t get her name… I forgot. >.<>:)
Deacon, Kunebitt and I signed the TIIS banner. It was actually a cartolina with the words “T.I.I.S.: TANG INA! I’M SINGLE!!” written on it. Haha! Yui was saying that next time there would be a tarpoline. I asked him if I could bring the banner and he said “Sure, bring the tarpoline nalang. July pa naman alis mo eh.” Hehe… I can’t wait! Recruit sa New York at sa LA! Malas nga lang kung sino man mag-graduate… LIBRE LAHAT NG MEMBERS!! Maslalo na pag kay Yui… he’s a member and the founder of 2 branches: Gamer Clan (GC) and Pinoy Cosplay (PC), so he has to make libre everyone. In PC alone there are like… 30+ members already. ^_^ waaiii!! I’ll move before I graduate para I don’t have to make libre >:) hehe! Paktay, Yui’s so strict pa naman about the Rule. Lol. He is so amusing, really. ^_^ I like Yui. Not as a crush, but like… I dunno. Brother? Same way I like Kuya Lyron and kuya Throngskill. I have a really amusing pic with kuya Throngskill, by the way, and I will post it here. ^_^
I really have to find those links. ^_^
Hmm…
So much stuff yesterday. So much fun…! ^_^ whee!! Can’t wait for it.
I might go to Boracay with the rest of the IB! ^_^ yey!!
I hope to do have more cons… and see everyone again… ^_^
here's the link:
http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y224/huzafan/Mall-Of-Asia-May21-2006/?
i'm the one with the flowers. check em out! ^_^
BTW, everyone, please leave a tag or comment if you read my blog. ^_^;;
Ja ne~

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 5月 22, 2006

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土曜日, 5月 20, 2006

VAMPIRE MODE!!

thank goodness... i feel "normal" again... we're so few online though... ^_^
i've been having conferences with Yoru, Itachi_Kitsune, Hypernix and Shorty_shinta14 a lot. ^_^ i can't wait to meet them... especially Yoru-kun.
sinackular (diego) says he's quickly becoming a heartthrob in FC and asked me what's so special about him. i don't know, really... but there's something about him that makes you feel different around him. oh welll... i hope to meet him on sunday.
sunday's event will be shown on TV. that will be fun...
i want to see everyone again...
i want to meet new people...
hmm...
I like Tsubasa Chronicles' Soundtrack... i find it really nice... especially Blaze and Loop. very very nice...
i got the pricelist for my costumes, and it's pretty high. Tawad ng husto nanaman to... okay lang. kundi, sa iba ako magpapagawa.
i have to start my essays...
i am so lazy!
WTF EB on the 27th... at greenhills (to watch Da Vinci Code ^_^) and then KARAOKE!! i can't wait!! ^_^
ja ne

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 5月 20, 2006

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金曜日, 5月 19, 2006

okay.
i wanna see somebody.
anyone hazard a guess?? ^_^

more status messages:

[walang kwentang internet!]
[whoever created adware... DIE]
[READY STEADY GO. PLEASE. TRUST ME.]
[forget i existed.]
[DIVE TO BLUE]

whee...
I love Full Metal Alchemist.
brain dead... sorry ^_^
ja ne

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 5月 19, 2006

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木曜日, 5月 18, 2006

i just realized now that changing your status message is fun.

i've changed my status message about 7 times in 2 hours.
let's see... what are the variations?

[(busy) vampire mode. will sleep until approximately 5pm.]
[(busy) vampire mode. will sleep until approximately 5pm. california, rest in peace...
california, rest in peace...]
[bokutachiha kawaranai hibi o, kawaranai kako ni; kawaranai de yume o, kawaranai de yasumi. soshite, bokutachiha karanakutonaku, kawaru tsuzukeru...]
[we are unchanging days in an unchangin past, unchanging dreams of an unchanging rest. and then, we are changing, continuing to change...-Miyavi]
[ma cherie~ my misery... ma cherie~ my mystery - Ma Cherie~Itooshii Kimi e~ by MALICE MIZER]

currently my status message is [amour de toile, coleur sepia]

i wonder what it will be later... ^_^;;
hehe...

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 5月 18, 2006

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my cousin, Victor Tence, said something today that hit me.

"You'll never find a girl who doesn't like another guy. That's why you have to show that you're better than them."

he was saying it to Luke, and i overheard it. hey, it's true... only for me it's guy instead of girl. you just have to show them you're better, huh?
hm...
something to think about again.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 5月 18, 2006

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水曜日, 5月 17, 2006

"some memories aren't meant to leave traces."

honestly, it's right, if you think about it. some memories shouldn't leave traces, just like some are meant to be forgotten. memories that we wish to forget must be gone forever, and to leave traces will be disastrous lest we remember. personally, there are many i wish to forget and i wish all traces of it were lost. but i cannot; it is not in my power to. but still, i wish i could.
some memories are best left forgotten, really. the memory can be gone but the lesson stays on.
the lesson always stays on...

"humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. to obtain, something of equal value must be lost."

it is true that nothing is free. though it seems untrue, we do give up something for everything we receive... an arm, a limb, a gift, a toy, an emotion or a feeling. sometimes it isn't obvious, but we do. example, for love. love isn't free at all. for this emotion we have to give up something: our own love. we have to give love to receive love. we have to give up our hearts for another. for items: we pay money for an item, we give a toy to obtain another. how strange isn't it, that the First Law of Equivalent Exchange is so true outside the anime. how strange indeed.

[Quotes are from Alphonse Elric of Full Metal Alchemist]

i have no idea why i am senti (well actually, i do, but sa akin na yun) and why i am analyzing those particular quotes, but i am. so oh well.
it's my fault why i'm depressed again so i won't go rant. heh, i really have to be too curious for my own good. >.<

think about it.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 5月 17, 2006

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okay. alam na niya...

yah, he knows for sure. how do i know? i admitted it to him. he asked and i answered honestly. HAH! i was very tempted to deny, but he had backed me into a corner and i had no other choice but to admit it. he had read the previous entry (Kuya Luffy's farewell party) and he guessed. i knew i would regret that passage! >.< oh well... if he didn't guess from there... well that would be rather... dense. ken! haha.
so yeah. he told me it was alright; basta wag lang ako mailang sa kanya. well duh. ^_^ the reason why i didn't want to tell him was because takot ako baka mailang siya. i mean, that's what happpens here in school. gusto ko kaibiganin siya; mabait naman siyang tao eh.
thing is, he likes someone else. it hurts when i think about it; i'm not very good with dealing with this stuff... i couldn't sleep last night because the past kept haunting me last night, brought about by the pain, and then the pain itself multiplied until it was unbearable. such bitter and painful memories... are best forgotten. but i suppose it can't be that easily.
i lay awake for a while last night, haunted by those memories. how strange that one conversation can bring about such a torrent of memories. i never cease to be amazed by it. i talked to pat, cried a tiny bit, then went to sleep, hugging shiroi. i love that teddy bear... he's seen so much with me, and he's only been with me since my birthday. how strange that something so simple could mean so much to me... ^_^ just like Kami-butterfly.
everytime i feel emotionally unstable, i get my teddy bear. everytime i wish for better luck or something, i ask Kami through the butterfly. i feel better about it afterward. i know it sounds really weird, but i don't know... it works. heh, Kami-sama is watching from his place in the sky...
which reminds me... it's almost his death anniversary... on June 21... his 7th death anniversary. it must still be painful to remember, especially for Gackt. i would like to visit Kami, and say thank you for everything.
hm... anyway... last night was painful this morning was better. listening to L'arc~en~Ciel helps... since none of their songs are particularly sad (except Forbidden Lover, Pieces and Finale-- those are the ones on my CD) so it lifted my mood a bit.
honestly, the reason why i didn't want to like him was because i knew this would happen. that's why i denied it always, even to Hugz and Kune and Myk, so that i wouldn't like him. Failed! >.<>_<
Kuya Khiske knows... damn! nahalataan niya. wah! oh well... dami na may alam na crush ko si *C* ah. @_@ wah!
EB... i want an EB na!! for stress relief! ^_^ i miss sina Hugz. i'm inviting her nga for a sleep over eh, kaming 4 nina Myk lang. tapos after that eh, malay mo, EB tayo ^_^ dapat may EB dito sa South, eh that would be unfair. T_T so i'll stick with the FC South Chapter EBs (of whom Diego is president). ^_^ whee.
let's see... hm...
school is really boring so there's nothing to talk about.
i've been allowed to join the National Cosplay Competition, providing i have the right wig. ^_^ it's on Sunday and there are lots joining. ^_^ i just want to get to the top 100 or 50 ^_^ just to say i tried... ^_^ Yoru-kun will be there.
i want to meet him already... he seems really nice.
hm... what else...
school... yeah boring.
i saw EULA!! i miss her like hell!!
okay... got to get back to chem class.
ja!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 5月 17, 2006

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火曜日, 5月 16, 2006

okay.

nalaman niya. 3 people messaged me last night saying "nalaman niya...?" because it was my status message. i've been giving it some thought and i made up my mind.
i won't care (riiight).
if he asks in front of me... i'm dead. but then i'll answer honestly (that is if he doesn't guess it first)...
bastaa!
if he reads my blog, ill kill him. ^_^;;

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 16, 2006

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月曜日, 5月 15, 2006

waah nalaman niya...

yah he found out i liked him...
through my FC too... sucks...
oh well...
i wonder how he'll react...
he like someone else eh... and from the looks of it, he loves her too. it hurts again... how do i know? he posted in the Message of Love thread and i read it. i actually posted in it too...
i wish...
i told myself i won't fall and here i am...
falling.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 5月 15, 2006

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日曜日, 5月 14, 2006

rrr....
i wasn't able to spend much time in Mega because of the stupid, stupid rain, but i was able to go there for about an hour and a half. stupid stupid rain! i was able to go say good-bye to kuya Luffy (actually hi lang, and ingat lagi sa Qatar)...
i went in "normal" mode today. kuya khiske was like @_@ and so was christian. haha. kuya throngskill and kuya gibs and kuya luffy all recognized me though... haha.
they (kuya throngskill and kuya Luffy) were all "BA'T HINDI KA NAKA COSTRIP!? KUNG KAILAN MARAMI NAKA COSTRIP IKAW NAMAN ANG HINDI!"
me: "WAH! I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!"
haha! that was funny.
i had texted everyone this morning that i wasn't going to be able to come today. apparently, very few people got it (namely Nilopie-niichan and Arjay-niichan and Mykhos.)... so i was in the middle of greenbelt panicking when i realized the others didn't get my text and started texting,
"Jo wer u?"
so mom let me go to Mega. ^_^ and when i got there, they were all "WAAAAH!!! JO! KALA KO DI KA PUPUNTA!?BA'T NANDITO KA?! TAKAS KA ANO!?"
me: "WAH!!! NANDITO NANAY KO!!"
haha!!
*C* was in a suit, and that was his costrip. sooo cute. *melt* yes, and i can NOT get that picture of him in a suit with shades out of my head. ohkay they might guess who he is. wah. i'll shut up now. but really... i was so miserable not being in lolita... >.< normal na ako.
they saw me normal... o.o
waah!
kuya khiske said i looked cute... o.o *C* did too... ^_^;;
i missed my eyeliner.
i wasn't able to say goodbye to them. T_T especially... *C* we weren't able to talk much either... sad.
i've been thinking about him a lot, and i hate it. i don't want to like him THAT much... T_T but it's deepening, this feeling. i hope it remains a crush and nothing more. i will make sure it stays as a mere crush. he doesn't even like me back anyway.
hmm...

FA CUP!! West Ham vs Liverpool
the FA CUP is very unpredictable isn't it?
first goal was a home goal... Liverpool.
then a score by West Ham...
then by Liverpool
then Liverpool again
as of this writing it is 2-2
amazing.
i thought liverpool would do better than that...
oh well.

YUI said that i should spread the word of TIIS to the world, especially america since im going there. ^_^ sure thing, Yui-san ^_^
haha
can't wait for the next EB...
night everyone

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 5月 14, 2006

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金曜日, 5月 12, 2006

waaah EB tomorrow at MEGA!! fun!!
haha ka-chat ko siya kanina!! *happy*
yeah, kababawan. please forgive me; i've been up since 5:30 am for my TOK class (which was 7)...
REALLY basag. hey, it was 7 am and i had to think a whole lot. that's why i kept yawning and my head was hurting. ^_^;;
but now i'm pretty okay
i'm excited for tomorrow as well ^_^
wheee!!
ja ne
VAMPIRE MODE: ON!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 5月 12, 2006

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火曜日, 5月 09, 2006

i haven't updated in a while...

well, nothing's really happened since saturday... except that i found *c* reads some threads which i have posted in and i am freaking out because of it... but... oh well. ._.
tapos nahalata ata nina kuya na may crush ako sa kanya... buti nalang di niya babasahin itong blog na to... ^_^ yey!
hmm... i also drew him last night/this morning... Vampire mode: ON. yeah. that's why now it's basag daywalker mode in school. yeah, that's my stat message... ^_^
i miss the internet
i wish there were more things to do...
or at least something to actually write about.
but yeah, i drew him. ^_^ whee
ja

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 09, 2006

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土曜日, 5月 06, 2006

EB Today!!

Today was a lot of fun!
There were four EBs today: PC, GC, TIIS, FC and WTF... so much fun!!
i met a lot of people, from the forums, and saw old acquaintances/friends too.
it was a lot of fun at the food court. again, we occupied around 12 tables there, and they (i was pretty quiet) were really noisy. funny noisy, but noisy nonetheless. we kept talking and talking... and then i was able to meet new people! ^_^
1. Shaney
2. Michy
3. Matsujin
4. Ivankenny
5. Eferlein
6. Nilopie
7. Neil_Yamato
8. Elouisa
9. Cyril (girl)
10. Buriki_boy
11. Throngskill
12. Brian
13. Karlonne
14. Scha-Clyne
15. Meilin_Xiaomei
16. Oreo

and the others... their names have once more slipped my mind. but it was fun meeting them all ^_^
it was a lot of fun!! i cannot emphasize that enough. i stayed with the WTFers more though... kuya Luffy pinched me. @_@ twice, i think. ^^;;
i played with him and kuya throngskill in House of the Dead 3. pretty nifty ^_^ got pretty far with them too... ^_^
hmm... and we never got around to watching a movie... arcade nanaman!! haha!!
and i got to spend time with him... hahaha... Hugz and Myk were teasing me after that. -_-* but hey, i was kilig. he made me blush, dammit! no one ever makes me blush! >.<
louisa kept saying Myk and I looked cute together... dude!! taken na yun! i was freaking out inside... o.o
and then... yeah! it was a lot of fun!! just hanging around and talking... and walking... and talking... and talking... ^_^
i had a hell lot of fun today... hope to see them all again soon. ^_^
night

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 5月 06, 2006

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金曜日, 5月 05, 2006

dream post.

i had another eerie dream last night...
i dreamt i was in school, and there were some new students, as usual. two of them happened to be goth boys... and then they got into a fight over something... and one of them, who i guess was the harsher-looking one over the two, was about to punch the other when i intervened. i told him to knock it off, the kid wasn't doing anything, and when he did, i left.
so there... and then i ran into the kid (nice one) again, and we ended up talking. i ended up showing him around... and we became friends. the thing is, i couldn't see his face!
but i know i've felt that aura somewhere before... in my past dreams.
i'm talking to Yoru-kun right now, as well as Myk and Kid. interesting, Yoru is. ^_^
okay i have to go to class in a bit... regretfully.
gotta tell CeBau...
later

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 5月 05, 2006

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木曜日, 5月 04, 2006

another quote for you to think about:

Villainy wears many masks, none of which so dangerous as virtue.

oh, and by the way, i attract drifting vampires, those that will take me away with them when we both wish to escape.
how i wish...

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 5月 04, 2006

* * *

i am so pissed.

this morning i was mad enough to break the window of the van.
Pat is in deep depression right now, all because her mom grounded her. She can't come to the EBs on Saturday because her mom found out that she went out Tuesday and yesterday. Well, she did come home at the appropriate time, but she was grounded anyway. i am so pissed. she was at the point of suicide last night, and i am hell worried about her. Mykhos had a mid-breakdown last night, and i'm kinda worried about him too.
i am pissed mainly because now that Pat's not going to be allowed to go, i won't be allowed to either. my social life is dependent on other people's schedules, and i hate that! i want to go to Mega so badly because it's giving me a chance to meet new people... but now i might not be able to. maybe i can, since Myk will be there but i don't know.
it's frustrating because I'm 16 now and you'd think that a few more liberties would be awarded to me, like maybe a curfew extension or actually being allowed to go to the mall with other friends. my parens aren't very supportive of the fact i cosplay or that im making friends with other cosplayers. my mom wants me to stop cosplaying.
but, guess what? i can't just give it up... it's like telling me to give up soccer or going out into Iris. i mean, it's very important to me. i hope they do realize that before i started cosplaying, i almost had NO social life, apart from school and a handful of other friends: Pat, Jansen, Sims... and them. Now that i started cosplaying, i've met new friends, and i've actually found something that i love doing. i hope they understand that, and won't force me to quit. it's so weird that now i've found a social life, they want me to stop... and then they'll ask me: "why don't you have a social life?" o.O uhh... weirdness!
hay... i just want more freedom, that's all. i envy the others because all they have to do is tell their parents "Mom, i'm going to Mega with a few friends, i'll be back at 7 /8." i have to go through a whole ceremony of events...
"who are you going to go with?"
"what time are you going to be back"
"why Megamall!?"
"why can't they just come here?"
it annoys me to pieces.
i just want to have a bit more freedom. i'm feeling like i'm being strangled... like i can't get out of it... im imprisoned in a cage and i can't escape...
oh i wish...
sana i can go on Saturday, adn that Sofia will be okay... and that she can come too...
i wanna see them...
especially...
later,

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 5月 04, 2006

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Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 5月 04, 2006

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水曜日, 5月 03, 2006

A beautiful passage by Pablo Neruda:

How much does a man live, after all
Does he live a thousand days, or one only?
For a week, or several centuries?
How long does a man spend dying?
What does it mean to say "for ever"?

Think about it...

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 5月 03, 2006

* * *

oh wow. i have oreo on my ym. i am honored.
i used to wonder what was the fuss over him, but now that i've seen him, i understand.
he is a damn good cosplayer; the best Sasuke one I've seen... plus his drawings are damn good. nakakabadtrip minsan haha!!!
but he's quitting Sasuke cosplay, now that's a real pity. sad... -_-* can't wait for his next one, though! ^_^
oh well. i have been bored throughout the day, and my ym damn.
ka-chat ko sina kuya albert at kuya ryan kagabi... haha, sayang ka-chat... of course, ka-chat ko rin si Mykhos at si Eula, tapos si Andie pa... haha... and then i was talking to sofia, so that was funny. now... hm... oreo lang OL eh... wheee!!
sabado EB!! can't wait!! ^_______^

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 5月 03, 2006

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火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

Malice Mizer DOES help.
Ju Te Veux LIVE always helps... windshield wiper dance!

always helpful. thanks, Mana

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

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-=Loneliness Spasm=-

okay, my heart hurts again. i haven't had this feeling a long time, and i wish i didn't have it now. it hurts so much... the feeling like there's a hole in your heart, that you're missing something you don't know. thing is... i don't know what i'm missing. again.
i wish that i knew... i wish that i knew who or what i was waiting for... all i know is that i'm waiting for something or someone, and i'll know when he/it appears in front of me. i dream of him, but i don't know who he is. i think of him, i want to hear his voice... but i can't.
i don't know!
when i'm with others, this hurts less... and yet it still comes. all about me, everything is singing, but inside, my heart is cold, and tears mist my eyes. but i always have to hide it, lest others know that i am hurting.
i know it is stupid to hurt and not let others know, but i don't want them to be affected by whatever is hurting me. when i tell them, they hurt too... and i don't want them to hurt. that is the last thing i want.
but then what i want... it seems like i can never have. all these material things satisfy me for but a while, and then when i am alone, i hurt once more. *hugs Shiroi*
people, they wonder why i am so strange. sometimes i want to be with them, other times i want to be alone. they don't know the reason why, and frankly, neither do i. all i know is that i hurt when i am alone, but when i hurt, i don't want to be around anyone else.
strange, when i think of someone, it goes away... but then when his face leaves, it comes back. the only ones who could ever draw me out of this manic depression so quickly are Pat, Mykhos and Marie... and then him. but oh well...
i need to talk to someone, but who can i talk to? i don't know.
i thought this pain had left, but apparently, it's still there, gnawing at my heart, at my very heart and soul. i wish it would go away!
Pat will call later... i need to talk to someone badly.
it's comforting to know that i'm not the only one hurting so badly...
but it won't stop... it really won't...
i listened to Au Revoir a while ago, and it went away... and then it came back so strong. it's as if it wants to kill me through unshed tears. i just wish it would go away...
sometimes i close my eyes and dream... and then i wake up to face harsh reality. often i wish that dreams were reality and reality was a nightmare that i could wake up from, but sadly, it isn't so. why can't it be...?
so many whys and never any answers.
i need my Malice Mizer therapy. maybe it will help me run away from this.

beneath this smile lies a broken heart.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

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Boring.

Today is soo... boring. no people to talk to coz all the people i usually talk to are Offline...
Mykhos has school, Pat's probably waiting for him or is at Mega with the TIIS people (i envy her so bad >.<), kuya Nilopie's at work, and so's Kuya Arjay... they work at the same place, actually. Kuya Nilopie said that Kuya Arjay's his boss. wow... must be fun to know your boss is a cosplayer. ^^;;
i wonder what Hugz is doing right now. hmm... kausap ko rin yun eh. si ate -schlei- di masyado.
out of nothing better to do, i drew Oreo and Christian using the photo from the Cause-Play. whee, fun! no, not really. i had a hard time on that one... -_-*
hell, Oreo is cute. i dreamt he was my brother last night... i like him in a brotherly manner, not like Hugz likes him or how i like *C* or how Pat likes blah.
there was a funny conversation between hugz, kunebitt and i in the WTF love teams. well, not funny, but amusing.
here:
hugz- i'll support nalang the ff : deacon x ken, mj x the mystery guy, kune-chan x papi3
gothloli06-aww hugz... issokay!! meron panaman iba, diba? T_T kune-chan x papi3? diba 1??
kunebitt- @hugz PAPI 3? HUH??????? O_O @gothloli AGGGHHHHHHRRRR!!!!!!!! >__________< kay TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT ka lang eh
gothloli06-gaga!! di ah. medyo lang. nyahahaha!!!

haha... so bored.
I'm wearing Naruto's sleeping cap on my head right now. mamaya naruto mode na ako. ^^;;
I'm excited for Saturday again! It's the EBs of WTFC, PC, GC, plus SMALL and TIIS, all at Mega! that will be a lot of fun... seeing and meeting people again.
oh my GG... I actually have a social life!! haha!! i never thought that would happen. and all because of EBs and Cosplay.
yeah, i'm a nut. so what?
i am so basag right now.
see ya

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

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月曜日, 5月 01, 2006

hmmm...

i got home from Batangas last night, or rather, early this morning.
i enjoyed myself, and i met some new people too... i met MaryAnne, her brother, Jerome and Anton. It was fun!
haha, now i have a friend. yey. she lives in Eastwood City, and we may get together more often. i told her to drop by SM Mega on Satrudays, i may be there more often now. i told her about TIIS and SMALL, and she kept laughing when she found out what they mean. i mean, it is fitting, afterall: Tang Ina I'm Single! and Samahan ng mga Malamig Ang Love Life.
there's are a few EBs this Saturday, and i hope to go there already. there are the WTFCosplayers EB, Weekly PC Mini-EB and then GC EB. I won't join GC though... ^^;; It's gonna be fun, i'm sure. I hope to meet more people this saturday. Sinackular, Oreo, Kuya Luffy, Throngskill, Lexy, Nilopie and many others will be there for the weekly Mini-EB. ^^;; i like meeting new people again.
all because of cosplay. i think my parents really want me to move on from it, but they don't understand how important it is for me, and how much it's improved my life. i know it's senti and people will say it's BS, but it's not. i now have a social life since i meet people in cons and EBs, and now i have activities to help keep me concentrated and where i can pour all my energy into. if i give it up, i'll backslide. my breakdowns and personality-shifts have lessened, and i am much more emotionally stable because of it. before i had nothing to concentrate on, now i do. it's strange that the smallest things can change a person. i mean, im more patient now and much more stable. not to mention im much more confident because of it.
i know they're uncomfortable with me meeting so many people who they don't know. i know that it's kinda dangerous, but i know all the safety rules of the EB. hell i'm not meeting them in anyone's house unless i have a chaperone... always at the mall, and i will always be careful of whom i meet. it's just that i like meeting these people, and i feel very comfortable with them. for once, i feel like im with people i can relate to, who i can be myself around. im not pressured to be anyone im not. for once... i won't be judged or looked at strangely. im just me, gothloli06 or Jo. It's that simple. i really like it that way... and it's a nice feeling because we're still a small community, so it feels like a family... ^^;; at least, among the people i've met anyway. i don't want this to be taken away from me... it's not just the cosplay, it's the people i meet... the costumes and catwalks are a plus, but for me, it's really the people that i meet who are important to me. i hope they understand that.
myk and i were talking a while ago about some pretty deep stuff. im glad we can talk like that. ^^;; i haven't talken to people like that in a long while.
hmhmhm...
oreo is cute but with his wig on. hope he grows his hair long. cute nila ni Hugz!
baka mag-graduate na si Sinackular ng TIIS at SMALL! haha!!
hm, someone asked someone out again... and now i will be chaperoning. oh joy. im nervous.
back to school tomorrow...
splash island on May5! i so want to join!! but i can't!! this sucks so bad... T_T
saturday EB! saya!!
i wonder how sina Kuya Arjay are doing after the Ongaku... baka Hangover mode sila! haha!!
see ya later guys,

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 5月 01, 2006

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