in the midst of my solitude

火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

-=Loneliness Spasm=-

okay, my heart hurts again. i haven't had this feeling a long time, and i wish i didn't have it now. it hurts so much... the feeling like there's a hole in your heart, that you're missing something you don't know. thing is... i don't know what i'm missing. again.
i wish that i knew... i wish that i knew who or what i was waiting for... all i know is that i'm waiting for something or someone, and i'll know when he/it appears in front of me. i dream of him, but i don't know who he is. i think of him, i want to hear his voice... but i can't.
i don't know!
when i'm with others, this hurts less... and yet it still comes. all about me, everything is singing, but inside, my heart is cold, and tears mist my eyes. but i always have to hide it, lest others know that i am hurting.
i know it is stupid to hurt and not let others know, but i don't want them to be affected by whatever is hurting me. when i tell them, they hurt too... and i don't want them to hurt. that is the last thing i want.
but then what i want... it seems like i can never have. all these material things satisfy me for but a while, and then when i am alone, i hurt once more. *hugs Shiroi*
people, they wonder why i am so strange. sometimes i want to be with them, other times i want to be alone. they don't know the reason why, and frankly, neither do i. all i know is that i hurt when i am alone, but when i hurt, i don't want to be around anyone else.
strange, when i think of someone, it goes away... but then when his face leaves, it comes back. the only ones who could ever draw me out of this manic depression so quickly are Pat, Mykhos and Marie... and then him. but oh well...
i need to talk to someone, but who can i talk to? i don't know.
i thought this pain had left, but apparently, it's still there, gnawing at my heart, at my very heart and soul. i wish it would go away!
Pat will call later... i need to talk to someone badly.
it's comforting to know that i'm not the only one hurting so badly...
but it won't stop... it really won't...
i listened to Au Revoir a while ago, and it went away... and then it came back so strong. it's as if it wants to kill me through unshed tears. i just wish it would go away...
sometimes i close my eyes and dream... and then i wake up to face harsh reality. often i wish that dreams were reality and reality was a nightmare that i could wake up from, but sadly, it isn't so. why can't it be...?
so many whys and never any answers.
i need my Malice Mizer therapy. maybe it will help me run away from this.

beneath this smile lies a broken heart.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

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