in the midst of my solitude

水曜日, 5月 17, 2006

okay. alam na niya...

yah, he knows for sure. how do i know? i admitted it to him. he asked and i answered honestly. HAH! i was very tempted to deny, but he had backed me into a corner and i had no other choice but to admit it. he had read the previous entry (Kuya Luffy's farewell party) and he guessed. i knew i would regret that passage! >.< oh well... if he didn't guess from there... well that would be rather... dense. ken! haha.
so yeah. he told me it was alright; basta wag lang ako mailang sa kanya. well duh. ^_^ the reason why i didn't want to tell him was because takot ako baka mailang siya. i mean, that's what happpens here in school. gusto ko kaibiganin siya; mabait naman siyang tao eh.
thing is, he likes someone else. it hurts when i think about it; i'm not very good with dealing with this stuff... i couldn't sleep last night because the past kept haunting me last night, brought about by the pain, and then the pain itself multiplied until it was unbearable. such bitter and painful memories... are best forgotten. but i suppose it can't be that easily.
i lay awake for a while last night, haunted by those memories. how strange that one conversation can bring about such a torrent of memories. i never cease to be amazed by it. i talked to pat, cried a tiny bit, then went to sleep, hugging shiroi. i love that teddy bear... he's seen so much with me, and he's only been with me since my birthday. how strange that something so simple could mean so much to me... ^_^ just like Kami-butterfly.
everytime i feel emotionally unstable, i get my teddy bear. everytime i wish for better luck or something, i ask Kami through the butterfly. i feel better about it afterward. i know it sounds really weird, but i don't know... it works. heh, Kami-sama is watching from his place in the sky...
which reminds me... it's almost his death anniversary... on June 21... his 7th death anniversary. it must still be painful to remember, especially for Gackt. i would like to visit Kami, and say thank you for everything.
hm... anyway... last night was painful this morning was better. listening to L'arc~en~Ciel helps... since none of their songs are particularly sad (except Forbidden Lover, Pieces and Finale-- those are the ones on my CD) so it lifted my mood a bit.
honestly, the reason why i didn't want to like him was because i knew this would happen. that's why i denied it always, even to Hugz and Kune and Myk, so that i wouldn't like him. Failed! >.<>_<
Kuya Khiske knows... damn! nahalataan niya. wah! oh well... dami na may alam na crush ko si *C* ah. @_@ wah!
EB... i want an EB na!! for stress relief! ^_^ i miss sina Hugz. i'm inviting her nga for a sleep over eh, kaming 4 nina Myk lang. tapos after that eh, malay mo, EB tayo ^_^ dapat may EB dito sa South, eh that would be unfair. T_T so i'll stick with the FC South Chapter EBs (of whom Diego is president). ^_^ whee.
let's see... hm...
school is really boring so there's nothing to talk about.
i've been allowed to join the National Cosplay Competition, providing i have the right wig. ^_^ it's on Sunday and there are lots joining. ^_^ i just want to get to the top 100 or 50 ^_^ just to say i tried... ^_^ Yoru-kun will be there.
i want to meet him already... he seems really nice.
hm... what else...
school... yeah boring.
i saw EULA!! i miss her like hell!!
okay... got to get back to chem class.
ja!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 5月 17, 2006

* * *