in the midst of my solitude

水曜日, 6月 21, 2006

I have got to be the most stupid girl in the world.
I continue to ignore what my heart tells me.
even though i know what i do hurts me, i do it anyway.
why do i torture myself this way!?
Sage will take over.
i need some rest... my heart hurts again.
[breakdown]

Kanae hasn't been totally honest with all of you.
ive told her many times to be, but... she refuses. she doesn't want people to see through her well-practiced act. *sad smile*
she read something that hurt her and she's gone into hiding in the recesses of her soul. i wll be here for now.
she will be upset when she reads this, i know... but no matter. i will post for her anyway.
at this moment in time, she's feeling very alone and very hurt. the smile that she has, the smile that you see isn't hers. it's someone else's. as much as she hates to admit it, she's having a very hard time keeping up the facade she's had to put up the whole week. her body is tired, her mind is tired and she's becoming more unstable. her emotions are in check... but in time she'll be an unstable wreck. i don't know what to do.
this is probably her most severe breakdown since that day... the last time i came out, the time i came out for a long time. some know of this period, others don't. i won't tell of that period for it hurt me too.
though it is nothing like the breakdown she had the day i was created, i still worry.
her heart... sometimes i wonder if it's worth keeping. her smile... i have not seen the true smile in a long time. not since the day she spent with the children of the orphanage. i think that was Asilo Orphanage? yes, that day... but even that day was ruined, for that boy called. she was so angry that she nearly had a breakdown right there. but mykhos and christian made it better. them and the children. that was the last time i saw her true smile.
her true smile...
im worried about her... she's a part of me; rather, i'm a part of her. living in her heart for the longest time as the sorrow that was always present since childhood, i am the part that she knows best and i know her the most as well. you can call me her conscience, and i guess i am. and that's why i worry about her so.
this... i don't know. she is so unstable right now that i don't know what to do anymore.
ive been coming out more regularly, if you've noticed. it is only proof how unstable she really is. im not familiar with all of you; you're not familiar with me either. but it's alright. i just want you to know the truth behind Kanae's smile.
i honestly don't know if her heart is worth keeping... all she has received is pain. her memories torture her in her dreams... and she treasures the deep, dark sleep that she gets for it is then that she can truly rest. when she has no more dreams... just the darkness surrounding her... she rests finally. her loneliness has come back, and it hurts her so.
sunabi and i discuss this most often in her subconscious. we wonder if we should just throw her heart away so that she won't hurt as much. but then we realize that if we do, we also ruin her chances at happiness.
don't misunderstand me; there are many times that she is happy. these are the times when she is talking with her friends, laughing and walking with them. when she feels she is appreciated. when she can really be herself.
thank you, eula...sofia...mykhos...celine...abigail...yoru...joan...hugz...
you have been able to accept her for who she is. truly i am thankful for it. you make her happy and she and i know it. it is with you that she is most comfortable and happiest. thank you so.
when she talks to you... then she is so happy. i wish that these times could come more often, and help ease her pain.
the thing is... they don't.
her heart is troubling her. her feelings and her thoughts torment her to the point she can't think of anything else. mykhos knows of this trouble; recently he and sofia are the ones she speaks to of these troubles. but i will not detail them here; these are for eula, mykhos and sofia to know.
until i find how to lock certain entries i will not put it here.
i truly am worried about her.
she buries herself in her work, in her music so as not to feel the pain that she already does. but it fails. she tries to suppress it, like what she did with Fumi and Chris, but this time she can't. she sings softly to herself and she doesn't realize it... and these are the songs that betray the sadness in her heart. truly i pity her.
she smiles for the sake of those around her; she does not want them to go through despair for her sake. she smiles especially for him... her most beautiful smile is always for him.
that boy... i wonder if he is worth all the pain that she goes through. she is happy when she is with him but at the same time she hurts.
she hurts because she is in love.
she will NEVER admit that to herself but she hurts when she is in love.
and that is why im wondering if he is worth all the love that she is willing to give him.
i will never understand... but reading her heart, that is what it tells me.
those moments shared are the moments that she treasures most, the most vivid memories she has. and yet... these are the moments where she hurts. she hurts because she knows that though she loves him, this is something she cannot give him.
it is not in her place to.
she's supposed to stay away and yet she doesn't want to.
she wants to stay away... but she can't.
it hurts to be near and it hurts to be far.
it is so strange. she is so strange. she hurts and loves at the same time; she is happy and sad at the same time.
abigail pointed this out. how i love that girl... she is so honest and clear. i understand why it is her that Kanae runs to for advice.
for her, as long as he's happy then she's happy as well. i find it so strange.
maybe one day i will understand why. until then i will take care of her...and help her heal her hurting spirit.

a heart is the best gift and yet the biggest burden.

Sage Crane.

dear,
this is Sage Crane speaking.
you draw her out of her sadness and i thank you.
you know who you are.
this is her subconscious speaking and these are the feelings Kanae keeps away. she may not even realize it herself, but this is what she feels.
please... you are the last bit of sanity she has left. i ask you, please do not avoid her after this.
i write, not her.
she has no idea what i just did and after this post is read, i will delete it.
thank you.

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 6月 21, 2006

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