in the midst of my solitude

金曜日, 9月 15, 2006

im sure everyone's familiar with the feelings of loneliness and missing someone. i miss a lot of people, and because of that i really feel empty inside.
i miss Joey Montanes, my very good friend from way back. he's in virginia now.
i miss Shirley Parakh, Nathan Chase and Lisa Cui, my good friends from the GYLC.
but most of all, i miss my Ate Shasta, who died 4 years ago. good Lord she kept me so sane as my parents divorced... she would be so happy for me if she were alive now. albeit she would be teasing me and teasing me and teasing me till i wanted to cry (okay im exaggerating), but still im sure she would be amused to no end to know that the youngest, most insecure (and insane) cousin of all the Bellos and Brillanteses is finally happy and in love. haha.
i feel so bad that i couldnt visit her grave last August 11... i prayed for her, but still i miss her. she was the sweetest girl ever. when she died her school even had a special mass for her and all her batchmates skipped school to attend her funeral. they had this little "mourning period" and procession for her. she would be around twenty now.
i dont know why i thought of her so suddenly. it's strange. i remember being unable to cry when she died. Javi and I were in a state of shock. Javi... Javi hasnt been the same since then. He's really changed. he wanted to forget about her, i remember. but i guess ate Sha didnt want that and so visited him. she visited me.
im still really bitter that i wasnt able to be there when she died. i was supposed to but anton got sick and i wasnt able to go to Subic with them. she died there. i wasnt able to say goodbye, i wasnt able to tell her thank you for everything. i know i wouldnt be able to stop her death, but i just wanted to thank her for being there for me when my parents split up. i spent a couple of nights over at her place, and she would always pay special attention to me whenever we were in family outings. she knew i couldnt stand seeing perfect families and would defend my silence when questioned why i never smiled. she understood im not your normal child, she understood that i need space and silence. she never questioned me when i told her of tarot, the past, spirits and all those other things. she just believed me.i always appreciated that.
im sure she would be so interested in my cosplaying too... she would probably support me, instead of putting it down. she was very open-minded, and supported me in many things that my parents disapproved of (like anime, gaming and rock music). *sigh* i really do miss her.we only got to bond because my parents split.i blame them for all the insanity i have, for all my psychological sicknesses. yeah sure, split right when i needed you and totally decieve me while doing it too. yeah, thanks. and then play "all mighty and holy" every single time. yeah, go ahead. when i burst, i swear to God you will be so sorry! stop me from cosplaying i will die. prevent me from being with him because of your immaturity and reluctance to let go and let me grow up... i dont even want to think of what may happen. yes im that furious.yeah im still pretty much bitter over the split. hey, im one of the masters in making masks. no one knows about all of this. good.
though now what im most concerned about is that the status of my independence as a teenager is almost equal to 0. i hate it. and then there's also the fact that of course, im not allowed to have a boyfriend yet and im already 16 years old. i WOULD like a chance to grow up, i WOULD like a chance to make my mistakes, i WOULD like to be able to go with the one i love and experience what its like to be with someone who you care about and who you know cares about you. yeah. that's all. they think i dont have enough emotional maturity to stand a breakup. hate to break it to you, but i do. ive had that emotional maturity since first year, when my whole world almost came crashing down and when i nearly killed myself. whatever.
im glad im still alive but at the same time i think im killing myself slowly.
yeah i pretty much am.
and only one person is saving my sanity. well, him among patrisha and chris, jc and abigail. good Lord i have to speak to Abigail. i miss that girl.
im so glad that i met him, though. a lot of the times i find myself thinking about him at the most random time of the day. whenever i talk to him, i become so happy. i miss him a lot, and i wish that i was with him right now. sounds sooo sentimental, i know, but i really do. i havent seen him since before i left for the states... that was a very memorable time... *smiles reminiscently* ^^
my beloved dark angel... thank you so much for everything. i love you sooo much, and i hope you know that. i've never felt this way before, and im glad you taught me how to feel again, how to smile once more. i love you.

and by the way minna, this post never happened.

tomorrow's the l'arc con and i cant wait to see him again.and of course all my friends.

ja guys.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 9月 15, 2006

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