in the midst of my solitude

水曜日, 9月 20, 2006

im thinking of applying to University of British Columbia for college. it seems to be a very good school given its location and weather. i know Canada can be cold, but i highly doubt Vancouver goes below freezing. just like Japan...
now that i think of applying to the different Universities outside of the Philippines, i get struck by the many facts that face me now.
if i go to University abroad, i will have to leave many important things behind. my friends, my family... my home, my motherland.
its the reason why im hesitating. i know to achieve great things you must also sacrifice great things of personal value. but... i still hesitate. i dont want to leave the most important things behind for an unsure future. it may seem cowardly, but i really dont. what makes me happiest is to be around the people and things i love.
my friends...
my family...
ill miss the times we get together, the long talks over the phone with patrisha, the talks with myk on my then-non-existing-lovelife, the whacks i give to jc and chris, the chats over ym with khal. i missed them so much when i went to the states for a month, i cant imagine what it will be like for years. that just makes it so much harder to bear.
i love my friends. i would die for them, really. without my friends, life would be so unbearable.

"without these friends, life--what a cauchemar!"

so as to quote TS Eliot's A Portrait of a Lady.
but what i fear right now is not only losing my friends... its also losing him.
when the time comes for me to leave... i keep thinking of what ifs. i know it's unreasonable to even think about it that way... but what if?
what if the time's come that i have to leave... and we're still...this way?
it will break my heart... it already does.
i dont want to leave.
why must all of these things be sacrificed for an unsure future...? why must i leave all these things behind...?
what is the future i want anyway?
all i know is that i want a future. a future involved in the diplomatic relations field. a career as a diplomat from the Philippines to the world. high-paying, highly traveled, highly respected. but before i can even think of reaching that field, i have to sacrifice things first.
Like marriage. i cant be married early because it will slow me down. career women dont have husbands till their 30s. not that i plan on marrying either, but... its a thought that saddens me.
i hate thinking of the future and growing up. i dont want to leave this little world i live in. still... i have to. *sighs*
and so many changes... life can change with just one decision. the whole flow of your life can change in a second. time will continue to flow on mercilessly, bringing all of this to you.
it overwhelms me sometimes. i want to stay, but i want to go. i dont want to let go.
this is why sometimes i want to sleep forever. because then time will not get me. i want to escape time, escape change. but then even when i sleep like the Vampire Princess, time and change will still befall me. but then i can go through with less sorrow...
maybe that's why i loved that show so much. it's because i wanted to be the Vampire Princess, Arcueid Brunsted. she wakes and sleeps as she wants, untouched by time. she wakes in the form of a human, not needing the blood of humans to survive nor being burned by the sun on her skin. somehow i envy her and i pity her too. but still... i want to be of the race of Arcueid Brunsted.
or Robin Sena, the character i would love to call 'mother.'
either her or Arcueid. mother.
you may think i am crazy, but i assure you, i am perfectly sane. i just wish too much.
my greatest fears and greatest enemies are time and change.
i dont want to go on, i dont want to change.
i want to stay here and remain this way.
call me selfish or foolish, i dont care.
i just want to stay here forever.

angel, i love you. please know that... and please wait for me.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 9月 20, 2006

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