in the midst of my solitude

月曜日, 11月 27, 2006

Let me get this straight. I am sane once more.
Okay so I AM upset, and in my opinion I do have right to be so. I did cry. He means a lot to me and I never find it easy when any sort of betrayal, even of the smallest kind, happens to me. im glad he told me though; if i found out through someone else i would be in a far worse state.

"atashi o mamoru shinjita." -Enma Ai

figure that out.
I was forced back by Chynna and Luke. Not of my will, but I guess it's alright.
I had a talk with Chris yesterday; its okay now. He isnt upset or anything; he said it was just a stroke of bad timing. Everyone has those, I guess. Anton always has bad timing with me and I dont really know why.
Back to the point.
It was really hard to keep it in... i started crying when i talked to pat. She immediately told me to go to my room so my mom wouldnt see me. i dunno; i guess i felt betrayed to a certain extent. i mean i had just seen him and given him his birthday/monthsary gift the same day. Malamang masakit pag napagisipan mo, diba?
I just want to know for sure that he wont do it again. if he does i WILL be very upset and I doubt I could stand it. I doubt Sunabi could stand it. she, Sage and I were talking last night. I was very touched. all they wanted, they said, was to not see me unhappy. I stopped crying and even felt a bit better, but my heart was still heavy. it became apparent when I tried to sleep.
I lay down at 9:30, slept at 10. woke up at 11-past, slept again. woke at 3, slept at 3:30. woke up at 6, and got up.
it still bothers me. I just want to know for sure that he loves me enough not to stray away. honestly.
i just want to know that.
if he loves someone else in the future... just let me go. i dont want to be a hinderance. and i dont want to be betrayed. i have too many scars from the past.
i love him too much.
but the next time... that will be the last straw.
when i leave im not coming back. no matter how much i love a person, when im betrayed enough times, that's it.

kanae

PS : Chicosci soundtrip helps. Oh, and I paint my nails black when Im upset. bad thing is though i was shaking so hard when i was painting my right nails that i nearly painted my whole upper finger black too. =_=

ラベル: pain.

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 11月 27, 2006

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