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金曜日, 6月 30, 2006

[Sage Crane]

to my relief, Kanae has returned. i thought briefly that she was lost to her sorrow, for after a while, i could not feel her presence within her soul. it seemed that she died temporarily, if that were possible.
she did not have a good night last night; she awoke at 5:30 this morning and couldnt resume sleeping.
here she is. she will resume writing now.
till next time,

Sage Crane

[Kanae]

Hello again.
Sage took over for a while as i couldnt continue any longer. my heart has started to hurt again, and the reason will be for me alone to know.
i woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep. i kept thinking and thinking. i have no idea why, and it annoyed me. since then i've been on the internet, browsing through different sites for JRock updates as i promised NarenNeran and ate JenShinrai of Gamer Clan that i would. i might as well; better than lying and thinking... i may end up in tears if i did the latter. and i don't want that.
last night... i slept at one. i was sent to sleep at 11:30 but i couldn't. i kept thinking and writing again. my heart was torturing me.
forbidden to feel, my heart is constricted and causes more pain that is aught to.
i wish i could forget about it and die, but i can't.
well, die is too strong of a word.
sleep for all eternity would be better.
don't think that im not serious about it. i just want to fall asleep forever... because in my dreams, there is nothing but the darkness that surrounds me. and there is nothing to disturb me...
just sleeping... surrounded by my precious memories that make me smile. nothing else.
and in my sleep, i can be with him.
i am free
nothing but that. i just wish that sleep would envelop me forever.
i listen to Sen no Kotoba very often now. i don't know why but it calms me down...
i think its because i can relate to it. there are so many words i need to say, but always... i can never say them. it's not my place to.
cries of a despairing heart in a cold dawn
that's all.
i can't talk to anyone right now, so i guess im tellling all this to my blog. so that some weight will be lifte, i guess...
i can feel myself drifting away... soon i may not even be here anymore...
i mean in body, yes, but i doubt in spirit, it will still be me. not like anyone will miss me anyway...
when that time comes, sage will continue...
bitter words from a crying heart

Kanae

[Sage]

i am seriouisly worried.

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 6月 30, 2006

* * *

水曜日, 6月 28, 2006

okay!
ive been on vacation for three days now!!
and i have been busy
lazing around
watching tv
being bored
hahahaa
hm... i have to learn how to drive soon, but im really to lazy to do anything. i should have done it during the school year. darn. >.<
hmm...
been online during evenings, as usual. but now that i have dsl again, i think i'll be online in the mornings as well. haha
hm... nothing's been happening. chatting a lot with chris, yoru and myk (who's in hongkong or malaysia now, by the way) now.
andrea's arriving on monday!! that's soon o.O im going to the US with her on the 24th of July. im planning to have a get-together with my friends before then. ill be gone a month, and im gonna miss them a lot...
especially...
well, you know.
ahaha. ^_^
anyway...
see ya guys.

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 6月 28, 2006

* * *

日曜日, 6月 25, 2006

okay
i watched Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift with anton today.
damn was it good.
i will so learn how to drive, race and drift.
period.

by the way

I AM FREE!!
NO MORE CLASS!!!

i costripped friday in school. i went as Suigin Tou and that in effect convinced chynna to go cosplay as Kairi from Kingdom Hearts2. YEY!!
i am so proud!! *sniff*

okay...
went to the EB
that was fun... ^_^
stayed a bit with kuya Lyron and Ryan... they are fun...!
and I met Crosse and Inezia of Gamer Clan too!!
la lang...

i suffered heart burn for a while but im fine na.
waaaaaH!!!

talked to him on the phone
wheee!!

waaah!!!
see ya

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 6月 25, 2006

* * *

木曜日, 6月 22, 2006

okay today was relatively stupid.

im still trying to write my TOK essay (but sadly, to no avail...)

anyway.
today started out pretty funny.
we hid from Mr. Yan today by hiding uner the conference room table. he didn't see us and we had an extra 20 minutes of nothingness.
the second time he came, he saw us because we had to giver ourselves up. bad trip!
our chinese test was an absolute killer (i so failed that one)...
then we had a math test... that was cancelled!! whee!!
i started on some paintings
fixed up some others...
went home
and now i am chatting while trying to do an essay.
wow...
what an eventful day. riight.
heh, anyway...
i've had 4-5 hours of sleep this whole week...
but it's alright.
last day of school tomorrow.
EB in Mega on Sat.
yeah, whatever...
hehe...

Sage posted something, i see?
if you read it...
ignore it.
please.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 6月 22, 2006

* * *

水曜日, 6月 21, 2006

I have got to be the most stupid girl in the world.
I continue to ignore what my heart tells me.
even though i know what i do hurts me, i do it anyway.
why do i torture myself this way!?
Sage will take over.
i need some rest... my heart hurts again.
[breakdown]

Kanae hasn't been totally honest with all of you.
ive told her many times to be, but... she refuses. she doesn't want people to see through her well-practiced act. *sad smile*
she read something that hurt her and she's gone into hiding in the recesses of her soul. i wll be here for now.
she will be upset when she reads this, i know... but no matter. i will post for her anyway.
at this moment in time, she's feeling very alone and very hurt. the smile that she has, the smile that you see isn't hers. it's someone else's. as much as she hates to admit it, she's having a very hard time keeping up the facade she's had to put up the whole week. her body is tired, her mind is tired and she's becoming more unstable. her emotions are in check... but in time she'll be an unstable wreck. i don't know what to do.
this is probably her most severe breakdown since that day... the last time i came out, the time i came out for a long time. some know of this period, others don't. i won't tell of that period for it hurt me too.
though it is nothing like the breakdown she had the day i was created, i still worry.
her heart... sometimes i wonder if it's worth keeping. her smile... i have not seen the true smile in a long time. not since the day she spent with the children of the orphanage. i think that was Asilo Orphanage? yes, that day... but even that day was ruined, for that boy called. she was so angry that she nearly had a breakdown right there. but mykhos and christian made it better. them and the children. that was the last time i saw her true smile.
her true smile...
im worried about her... she's a part of me; rather, i'm a part of her. living in her heart for the longest time as the sorrow that was always present since childhood, i am the part that she knows best and i know her the most as well. you can call me her conscience, and i guess i am. and that's why i worry about her so.
this... i don't know. she is so unstable right now that i don't know what to do anymore.
ive been coming out more regularly, if you've noticed. it is only proof how unstable she really is. im not familiar with all of you; you're not familiar with me either. but it's alright. i just want you to know the truth behind Kanae's smile.
i honestly don't know if her heart is worth keeping... all she has received is pain. her memories torture her in her dreams... and she treasures the deep, dark sleep that she gets for it is then that she can truly rest. when she has no more dreams... just the darkness surrounding her... she rests finally. her loneliness has come back, and it hurts her so.
sunabi and i discuss this most often in her subconscious. we wonder if we should just throw her heart away so that she won't hurt as much. but then we realize that if we do, we also ruin her chances at happiness.
don't misunderstand me; there are many times that she is happy. these are the times when she is talking with her friends, laughing and walking with them. when she feels she is appreciated. when she can really be herself.
thank you, eula...sofia...mykhos...celine...abigail...yoru...joan...hugz...
you have been able to accept her for who she is. truly i am thankful for it. you make her happy and she and i know it. it is with you that she is most comfortable and happiest. thank you so.
when she talks to you... then she is so happy. i wish that these times could come more often, and help ease her pain.
the thing is... they don't.
her heart is troubling her. her feelings and her thoughts torment her to the point she can't think of anything else. mykhos knows of this trouble; recently he and sofia are the ones she speaks to of these troubles. but i will not detail them here; these are for eula, mykhos and sofia to know.
until i find how to lock certain entries i will not put it here.
i truly am worried about her.
she buries herself in her work, in her music so as not to feel the pain that she already does. but it fails. she tries to suppress it, like what she did with Fumi and Chris, but this time she can't. she sings softly to herself and she doesn't realize it... and these are the songs that betray the sadness in her heart. truly i pity her.
she smiles for the sake of those around her; she does not want them to go through despair for her sake. she smiles especially for him... her most beautiful smile is always for him.
that boy... i wonder if he is worth all the pain that she goes through. she is happy when she is with him but at the same time she hurts.
she hurts because she is in love.
she will NEVER admit that to herself but she hurts when she is in love.
and that is why im wondering if he is worth all the love that she is willing to give him.
i will never understand... but reading her heart, that is what it tells me.
those moments shared are the moments that she treasures most, the most vivid memories she has. and yet... these are the moments where she hurts. she hurts because she knows that though she loves him, this is something she cannot give him.
it is not in her place to.
she's supposed to stay away and yet she doesn't want to.
she wants to stay away... but she can't.
it hurts to be near and it hurts to be far.
it is so strange. she is so strange. she hurts and loves at the same time; she is happy and sad at the same time.
abigail pointed this out. how i love that girl... she is so honest and clear. i understand why it is her that Kanae runs to for advice.
for her, as long as he's happy then she's happy as well. i find it so strange.
maybe one day i will understand why. until then i will take care of her...and help her heal her hurting spirit.

a heart is the best gift and yet the biggest burden.

Sage Crane.

dear,
this is Sage Crane speaking.
you draw her out of her sadness and i thank you.
you know who you are.
this is her subconscious speaking and these are the feelings Kanae keeps away. she may not even realize it herself, but this is what she feels.
please... you are the last bit of sanity she has left. i ask you, please do not avoid her after this.
i write, not her.
she has no idea what i just did and after this post is read, i will delete it.
thank you.

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 6月 21, 2006

* * *

月曜日, 6月 19, 2006

okay my mom's worried that im going crazy again
and she's hinting at when will i stop cosplaying.
sorry, but it's not going to happen anytime soon.
im making the most out of it now because i know that soon, i might not be able to do it anymore. i love cosplaying; it's my stress relief and hobby. she doesn't understand why, i guess, and neither does my father. i guess it's because it's different watching a cosplay and actually participating in one. they really don't know what it's like being in costume and being able to be someone else for a day.
hai naku kakabadtrip talaga!

anyway...

im leaving for the US on the 25 July.
damn ill miss everyone!!
the WTFers and my barkada, especially...
now palang i feel like crying na... damn that was so taglish. anyway!! im talking with some WTFers and we were discussing the farewell thing and i felt like crying. it's only gonna be a month and ill miss them so.

waaah im going nuts
so much homework
so much distractions
you know what ill do"?
i won't sleep.
fiNe!
i am going crazy na.
ja


Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 6月 19, 2006

* * *

日曜日, 6月 18, 2006

today was the toycon
last night i slept at Pat's house.

it was a lot of fun, this weekend...
toycon was tiring and i had 2 bunshins... lol
made friends with both... lots of fun..
^_^
kakaasar talaga!! nakalimutan ko yung TIIS banner!! >.<
kakabad-trip!! >.<
waaah!!
oh well...

so many things going in my head... and im getting hella confused...
really... it's annoying. so many thoughts torturing me minute by minute... so much so that my heart hurts. hmm... maybe that's why i pulled off my Suigin Tou... i felt incomplete but tried to hide it... haha... i love Suigin Tou. really. i can relate to her.
oh well!

But i had a lot of fun today.. just exhausted right now... haha
see ya guys

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 6月 18, 2006

* * *

金曜日, 6月 16, 2006

im sleeping over at Pat's today!! im so happy!!
we're going to be three: me, pat, aya... and then yoru's sleeping at chris's place.
heh, im pretty happy with that. i haven't had a sleepover in ages... not since grade 6 or 8 or something...
waaah!
and then ToyCon tomorrow!! dad's going to watch!! @_@ sa wakas he'll watch my cosplay...
i'll be Suigin Tou... thing is i have 2 bunshins!! oh well. >.<
i am addicted to the song "hateshinaku tooi sora ni" of Kyou Kara Maou. i am getting addicted to yaoi. ._. waaah!
i love Kyou Kara Maou! it is so funny! and i love the yuuriXwolfram pairing. wah! yaoi! oh well...
it's a good pairing... and wolfram looks like a girl anyway! oh well...
im pretty excited to get to pat's na...
i want to get the day over with...
but we're going to work tonight.
i have to do my wings, i have to do my wig, fix the costume and wig then fix my boots and then help aya and pat with theirs.
wheee! i also have to help myk with his makeup so im lending him mine.
wow tonight will be busy... ._.
and so will tomorrow.
Oreo will be going as Tidus!!! waaaah!! astiiig!!! i can't wait!!! ^_____^ i am so having my pic taken with him! which means i have to charge my camera tonight... ._.
wheee!! can't wait!!
im actually so excited over something... o.O
heh, see ya guys

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 6月 16, 2006

* * *

火曜日, 6月 13, 2006

FUN!!

yesterday was a lot of fun, really...
i spent the day with Pat, Myk, Chris, Aya, Ate Carla and Yoru. we went to Divisoria to shop and then to ate Carla's to get my Suigin Tou costume. it was a lot of fun!!! we had to commute there, so i had ate Nitz with me. and im glad; i had to commute home as well. ^___^
it was a lot of fun, though it was really tiring. we went around Divisoria, even to places i had never been to. ._.
chris and aya were so sweet!! haha!! ^___^
i kept thinking of it... i had a hell lot of fun. i wish we could do it again.
i wore my Suigin Tou costume at Ate Carla's. I love it!! they all saw me in it and ate Aya said i look like a doll. she will be Kirakisho!! we will try to convince Chris to be Kirakisho's Rozen Lord. Yoru's going to be Suigin Tou Rozen Lord... astiig!! he said i look good in the costume... *blush* ^_^;;
im going to try and get Myk into the Barashuisou Rozen Lord. YEAH!!! fun! im sure Ate Carla's pretty pleased... ^_^ i hope she is. i'm excited for the ToyCon... really excited. hopefully i can go sleep over at Pat's. can't wait for that too!! ^___^
see ya guys...

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 6月 13, 2006

* * *

金曜日, 6月 09, 2006

okay i am overworked and under paid.

that's coz i dont get paid, dammit!

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 6月 09, 2006

* * *

i cant wait for monday...
i really can't..
i can hear FMA playing upstairs... but ill watch it later...
i love Ed Elric!!

anyway...
it looks like im going to Divi with sina Pat... alone... YES!! freedom
im in the middle of a sugar high... so forgive me..
i will kill calado..
and my computer crashed >.<
needs a new hard drive... oh well!
anyway! catch ya later... when im sane.
LOL

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 6月 09, 2006

* * *

木曜日, 6月 08, 2006

Standing on the Rooftops Everybody Scream Your Heart OuT!

okay today was NOT good... academics-wise anyway
i had a hard time staying awake in class today because my head hurt sooo bad
im having a breakdown already... everyone's been so burned out...
it's not just me: Luke, Chy, Kim, Victor and even Hannah are having burnouts. im just on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown right now that i can't even think.
and my head hurts so much. i just need rest... not the sleep rest... i need a month to get everything back into order inside my head. i wake up in the morning still feeling exhausted... i try to read something and i get a headache... i go into math class and i feel like killing myself. im not making arte, but i really do. twelve months of school is taking its toll on me: physically and mentally. my personality shifts are getting more serious; i can barely control them now. i sometimes half my body with another personality; other times they completely take over. and it's scary. Seika Taisei, my crazy, psycho and horribly violent counterpart has been fighting to take over me and she's succeding because of my instability. Sunabi takes over a lot, and thankfully she keeps Seika in. if not... i dread to think of what would happen. i will try and control her, though... though it seems only one person can...
i just need some rest to get order back into my system... i need it so badly... *sigh*

had a nice talk with *K* last night, and i got to draw again! yey!
and apparently chris had a nice time with Aya... yeeheee....
we're (hopefully) going to DV on Monday... and then get my Suigin Tou costume!! yapo!!
i can't wait!!
cosplay picnic too... yey... raming event!! yahooo!!
then i have to do the TIIS banner pa... whee...
oh well! got to go... see ya!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 6月 08, 2006

* * *

水曜日, 6月 07, 2006

Kanae is back...

and im only back because someone called me back...
i had such a bad headache; i heard Sunabi and Sage arguing in my head and so i woke up and told them to shut up.
haha... its all *K*s fault. thanks, K.
hm...
im pretty much okay now...
and im really happy.
i had to talk to my mom about dating though... its coz *C* kinda asked me out. i don't know if it will push through, but i actually hope it does. i want to know him better...
mom asked me though if i like *C* or *K* better. but i dont know.... i like them both for different reasons. oh well....
hmm...
i wonder what is grounds for graduation from TIIS? baka mamaya i go on a date, di ko alam na graduate na pala yun.... wah~ im gonna ask KUYA Yui on that.
err...
Kid's friend wants my number. NO WAY, BAKA!!
haha..
im going as Suigin Tou for the ToyCon and Pat is Barashuisou... were getting our costumes on Monday in Gateway... i cant wait... theres a sword!! yeay!!!!!
cant wait for that... ^_^
anyway... ja ne~

Kanae

thanks, *C*, *K*
you two know who you are

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 6月 07, 2006

* * *

月曜日, 6月 05, 2006

hah...


Sage got sleepy.
San ang aking bampirang kapatid!? amp nawawala siya. gusto ko matulog!
wow galing ko ata magTagalog. salamat Kanae.
haha!
so yeah... Mykhaels fault why im out here. damn, i was sleeping too! that annoying little....
never mind. heh, ill sleep.
oh Kanae dear...
wait which is my psycho counterpart? oh i hate this.
so many names and counterparts i can barely count.
she really should keep a damn list of these names or else were all gonna go nuts. heh, i don't think she memorizes em herself.
Cerise'll stay up for the moment. she's awake.
CERISE!


hah... normal mode
classes got suspended today! flood was until the hood of the cars in BF Concha Cruz St. haha Luke was right smack in the middle. poor kid.haha...
my computer is in the shop right now, dead. gotta get it reformatted again... apparently it had been atacking my OS as well... stupid.
heh, ill sleep na.
10 mins to five... >.<

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 6月 05, 2006

* * *

日曜日, 6月 04, 2006

haii naku...

nalaman nya. ._.
i feel really bad right now because he didn't get any sleep because of guilt. Dear, please do not waste your time thinking of me... im worthless. i don't want to be the cause of any pain or discomfort. youre happy with her, and trust me, that's enough for me. its strange i know, but thats how i love those who are important to me. as long as they're happy, my hurt is lessened. basta ikaw ang masaya.
but hey, we can still talk, right? that's what means a lot to me, and thats what i really don't want to lose... friends pa rin sana. ^_^
not many people are important to me, though...
hay naku...
sakit nanaman >.<
emotional stress sickness yet again... so for now Sage Crane will take over me so i may recover. Good night; ill sleep for now... i don't know when i'll wake up, though. sorry...

Kanae

Sage Crane is now present.

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 6月 04, 2006

* * *

土曜日, 6月 03, 2006

today wasn't good for me...

i ended up in Batangas instead of Megamall...
i wasn't able to go to the EBs...
and apparently it was a hell lot of fun...
i was supposed to do the banner for TIIS but i wasn't able to because i was in Batangas...
i couldn't even make habol...
only consolation was i was able to talk to *K* over cellphone with Tatay Kune and Nanay Hugz... and Kuya Rayan and Kuya Jhem...
so yun...

and that was pretty much okay for me until tonight when i accidentally told kuya Nix that i missed *K* and he told me he had a girlfriend.
that means I WILL LAY OFF.
masakit...
and i really do like him....
hay naku...
pinabayaan ko nanaman sarili ko na umasa... umabot sa WALA.
again.
i hate myself.
night

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 6月 03, 2006

* * *

the child

Name:Jo
Alias: Kanae, MJ, gothloli, Aftiel Harlenn, I, Sunabi
I'm your ordinary half-psycho good girl
Im...16? turning 17, last time I counted.
simply a little half-angel, half-demon floating around
do leave a tag, save me from myself
ja

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