in the midst of my solitude

火曜日, 9月 26, 2006

The trip to Cagayan was a heck lot of fun. i really enjoyed myself. i hated the 10-hour bus ride, but i guess it really was worth it. the place was wonderful; sun, river, caves
we went caving, kayaking and whitewater rafting. i loved caving, the darkness was so comfortable. this was the first trip out into the sun in months for me.
we went there with another group, the group i amusedly remember as the Nestle Boys. I remember Miggy, Brian, Andy, Caloy, Glenn and Brian. yes, two Brians. Caloy was sooo drunk it was funny! i remember Saturday he kept drinking when we got back to Anton Carag's place, and by Sunday morning he had a bad hangover. the most common phrase i heard all weekend was "Caloy, musta hangover?" lol
Happy Beerday, Caloy. haha.
Andy was really cool too. nice guy, and everyone kept picking on him since he was from La Salle. Miggy was from Ateneo, i remember. i liked Miggy; he was a nice guy. he's off to the states or an MBA in Environmentalist Studies. how nice and brave. to give up a branch manager job in Nestle for that? woah.
i really enjoyed the weekend, though. i want to do it again, but maybe next time with the IB and a couple of friends. ^_^
and i have darkened a lot. i will continue not going out unless necessary to regain the pale complexion i lost in two days.
Pat and I are planning to cosplay in Singapore. Naruto for me, Sasuke for her. Sakura nalang ako! T_T but Fox Naruto is not bad... >:)
so oh well. i really hope i can go to Singapore with her. it will be a lot of fun.
Good Lord its cold here in the Library.
anyway, back in manila.
mom and anton have been teasing me since i now have a boyfriend. hey, its a nice feeling to actually have one now... -^_^-
so anyway, im too busy freezing to actually type, so im off now.
updates later.
ja~

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 9月 26, 2006

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木曜日, 9月 21, 2006

today went relatively well...
i survived chinese class, as well as math and chem.
kuya jojo had a heart attack, and i will pray for him. please pray with me.
mom met diego. LOL
oh and the thing about my little lovelife situation? its been solved.
dear, i HAVE to talk to you... please...
im allowed to be with you. now if only i could tell you that...
see ya guys.
im off to cagayan tomorrow. wish me luck.

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 木曜日, 9月 21, 2006

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水曜日, 9月 20, 2006

im thinking of applying to University of British Columbia for college. it seems to be a very good school given its location and weather. i know Canada can be cold, but i highly doubt Vancouver goes below freezing. just like Japan...
now that i think of applying to the different Universities outside of the Philippines, i get struck by the many facts that face me now.
if i go to University abroad, i will have to leave many important things behind. my friends, my family... my home, my motherland.
its the reason why im hesitating. i know to achieve great things you must also sacrifice great things of personal value. but... i still hesitate. i dont want to leave the most important things behind for an unsure future. it may seem cowardly, but i really dont. what makes me happiest is to be around the people and things i love.
my friends...
my family...
ill miss the times we get together, the long talks over the phone with patrisha, the talks with myk on my then-non-existing-lovelife, the whacks i give to jc and chris, the chats over ym with khal. i missed them so much when i went to the states for a month, i cant imagine what it will be like for years. that just makes it so much harder to bear.
i love my friends. i would die for them, really. without my friends, life would be so unbearable.

"without these friends, life--what a cauchemar!"

so as to quote TS Eliot's A Portrait of a Lady.
but what i fear right now is not only losing my friends... its also losing him.
when the time comes for me to leave... i keep thinking of what ifs. i know it's unreasonable to even think about it that way... but what if?
what if the time's come that i have to leave... and we're still...this way?
it will break my heart... it already does.
i dont want to leave.
why must all of these things be sacrificed for an unsure future...? why must i leave all these things behind...?
what is the future i want anyway?
all i know is that i want a future. a future involved in the diplomatic relations field. a career as a diplomat from the Philippines to the world. high-paying, highly traveled, highly respected. but before i can even think of reaching that field, i have to sacrifice things first.
Like marriage. i cant be married early because it will slow me down. career women dont have husbands till their 30s. not that i plan on marrying either, but... its a thought that saddens me.
i hate thinking of the future and growing up. i dont want to leave this little world i live in. still... i have to. *sighs*
and so many changes... life can change with just one decision. the whole flow of your life can change in a second. time will continue to flow on mercilessly, bringing all of this to you.
it overwhelms me sometimes. i want to stay, but i want to go. i dont want to let go.
this is why sometimes i want to sleep forever. because then time will not get me. i want to escape time, escape change. but then even when i sleep like the Vampire Princess, time and change will still befall me. but then i can go through with less sorrow...
maybe that's why i loved that show so much. it's because i wanted to be the Vampire Princess, Arcueid Brunsted. she wakes and sleeps as she wants, untouched by time. she wakes in the form of a human, not needing the blood of humans to survive nor being burned by the sun on her skin. somehow i envy her and i pity her too. but still... i want to be of the race of Arcueid Brunsted.
or Robin Sena, the character i would love to call 'mother.'
either her or Arcueid. mother.
you may think i am crazy, but i assure you, i am perfectly sane. i just wish too much.
my greatest fears and greatest enemies are time and change.
i dont want to go on, i dont want to change.
i want to stay here and remain this way.
call me selfish or foolish, i dont care.
i just want to stay here forever.

angel, i love you. please know that... and please wait for me.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 9月 20, 2006

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火曜日, 9月 19, 2006

so im still in school and im dying of boredom.
it's business class now and because i dont attend business, naturally im absent from the classroom. im also talking to Wolbo again, who apparently doesnt have class till 11.
i just hope he wont abandon me early. >_<
anyway, so it seems there is a development on Kimimaro's part. maybe i should start callinghim Uding so it would seem less weird? okay. So Uding finally attempted to call Pat last night, but the stupid payphone refused to cooperate!! so so so so soooooo stupid! kung kelan nga lalapit si Uding eh, ngayon ayaw naman ng payphone. good lord, is this a sign or something!? but hey, pat was touched by his efforts. i would be too. nice one Uding!
Wolbo, it's your turn. stop hiding behind the stuffed toy i gave you and make a move on DES! wahhahaa.
Khal pointed this out. kung kelan kami lumabas, nagsisilabasan narin ang iba. aba role models! LOL joke lang! XD
yes i am hyper. i just came from chem class where i got the seatwork/tutorial-thing right, so im pretty happy about that.
it's just the Cagayan trip this weekend lingers on hin my mind. i dont really want to go, mainly because of the 10-hour bus ride that awaits. AMP
we also had a british woman named Carol over last night. she kept laughing when i told her about my question to the head of security at the US State Department. haha. serves that stupid american right. >_< grr... oh and i also told them about the posibility of mr. calado being gay. she laughed at that one too.
poor anton, he'll be under him next year. awww. im gone XD
anyway, i slept pretty late last night too. had "the talk" with mom. apparently she's really happy for me, and she's pretty much granted my request to get into a relationship with someone. happy~
she doesnt really know what having a boyfriend means though... go figure. we've pretty much set up some rules (some of which might get more lenient when i get older or in a few months-- like the 'no single dates' rule... XP) and talked it over, and she said all she has to do is meet him at home. waii! i never expected my parents to be so nice... i just hope it will be soon.
i talked to Taco about it. at first he was hesitant... but after i explained, he said "have fun go for it and enjoy the good times." awww Takeshi!! he really is like an older brother to me. my goodness, he made me explain everything!! i love him in an older-brother sort of fashion. he was really like an older brother during the 3weeks i stayed in Japan. i wouldnt go as far as to say that we were extremely close, but i guess we were reasonably close. lol. i guess he thinks of me as a younger sister too... dear me, he must be around 21 now! kuya takeshi!! i still have an invitation to visit him in New Zealand and Lord knows i want to go. ^_^
apparently the advice i gave over at the Love Is All That Matters thread has been getting good reception. wow. i didnt think it was that good. i guess the people who give the best advice are those that have had the worst mistakes... and learned from them. so that means ive learned from mine? i guess so...
but really, im happy right now.
i just hope nothing destroys this again.
my dark angel, please be patient and wait for me... i love you.

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 9月 19, 2006

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月曜日, 9月 18, 2006

im at home now (and have been for the last two hours); history class got cancelled. Get well soon, Mr. B, though feel free to skip Wednesday's class too XD
im talking to my daughter in Indonesia... Tenten is really nice. aww~
i had a talk with Wolbo a while ago about relationships and stuff. we pretty much think the same, and i gave him some advice on how to deal with this. its so strange; ive never had a boyfriend but people ask me for advice when it comes to dealing with relationships and crushes. even deathsumi said my advice was good. go figure. i guess it's easier to give advice on a problem when you're outside looking in, huh? you get to see the bigger picture with an unbiased view. if only real life could be that easy... *sigh*
oh well.
i did talk to my dad again about the whole relationship thing. surprisingly, he's cool with it. i told him i want to be someone and he asked me why. and i answered. and he drilled me with a bunch of other questions and i answered them. hey i've thought this through, i know what im doing (sort of... XD joke!) and i've pretty much come to the conclusion that i do want to enter a relationship with this person. i dont have much time, and i want to spend whatever's left of it with him. i've never felt this way before and i really dont want this chance to just slip by me. i've had too many regrets; i dont want this to be another one. and i really do want to be with him...
i just hope that mom agrees. im praying that she lets me enter this on my own... dad's okay with it, now i know it might just be mom who's a problem.
i really do feel for him...
wish me luck in this... ^_^

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 9月 18, 2006

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i hate school so bad.
im dying of boredom, but shirley's keeping me pretty much sane.
i told her about saturday... and she is so kilig about it. lol
yeah, boredom is killing me. i hate being here in school, but thankfully we might not have history class. WOHOOO
i miss khal... -_-
im looking for a new gothic love themed blogskin. cant find it. wish me luck.

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 9月 18, 2006

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土曜日, 9月 16, 2006

today was the L'arc con...
and today was a very special day for me.
my angel, i love you very much. i wish we could be together but currently we can't. but please always know that though im not yours yet, my heart is. you've made me the happiest little gothic lolita girl in the world, and i really thank you for returning my smile.
two white flowers and a single black rose...
~~~

l'arc con was fun. i kept annoying Uding LOL. hahaha. now if he were a year younger, i would so consider him as my younger brother.
awww i miss chris!!
i saw kuya lyron again today!! and nilo and ryan and christian.
krelian and christian really look alike!
nahuli si wolbo at deathsumi nagchachanean!! LOL
si kimi naman!! XD
ahahahaaaaa

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 9月 16, 2006

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金曜日, 9月 15, 2006

im sure everyone's familiar with the feelings of loneliness and missing someone. i miss a lot of people, and because of that i really feel empty inside.
i miss Joey Montanes, my very good friend from way back. he's in virginia now.
i miss Shirley Parakh, Nathan Chase and Lisa Cui, my good friends from the GYLC.
but most of all, i miss my Ate Shasta, who died 4 years ago. good Lord she kept me so sane as my parents divorced... she would be so happy for me if she were alive now. albeit she would be teasing me and teasing me and teasing me till i wanted to cry (okay im exaggerating), but still im sure she would be amused to no end to know that the youngest, most insecure (and insane) cousin of all the Bellos and Brillanteses is finally happy and in love. haha.
i feel so bad that i couldnt visit her grave last August 11... i prayed for her, but still i miss her. she was the sweetest girl ever. when she died her school even had a special mass for her and all her batchmates skipped school to attend her funeral. they had this little "mourning period" and procession for her. she would be around twenty now.
i dont know why i thought of her so suddenly. it's strange. i remember being unable to cry when she died. Javi and I were in a state of shock. Javi... Javi hasnt been the same since then. He's really changed. he wanted to forget about her, i remember. but i guess ate Sha didnt want that and so visited him. she visited me.
im still really bitter that i wasnt able to be there when she died. i was supposed to but anton got sick and i wasnt able to go to Subic with them. she died there. i wasnt able to say goodbye, i wasnt able to tell her thank you for everything. i know i wouldnt be able to stop her death, but i just wanted to thank her for being there for me when my parents split up. i spent a couple of nights over at her place, and she would always pay special attention to me whenever we were in family outings. she knew i couldnt stand seeing perfect families and would defend my silence when questioned why i never smiled. she understood im not your normal child, she understood that i need space and silence. she never questioned me when i told her of tarot, the past, spirits and all those other things. she just believed me.i always appreciated that.
im sure she would be so interested in my cosplaying too... she would probably support me, instead of putting it down. she was very open-minded, and supported me in many things that my parents disapproved of (like anime, gaming and rock music). *sigh* i really do miss her.we only got to bond because my parents split.i blame them for all the insanity i have, for all my psychological sicknesses. yeah sure, split right when i needed you and totally decieve me while doing it too. yeah, thanks. and then play "all mighty and holy" every single time. yeah, go ahead. when i burst, i swear to God you will be so sorry! stop me from cosplaying i will die. prevent me from being with him because of your immaturity and reluctance to let go and let me grow up... i dont even want to think of what may happen. yes im that furious.yeah im still pretty much bitter over the split. hey, im one of the masters in making masks. no one knows about all of this. good.
though now what im most concerned about is that the status of my independence as a teenager is almost equal to 0. i hate it. and then there's also the fact that of course, im not allowed to have a boyfriend yet and im already 16 years old. i WOULD like a chance to grow up, i WOULD like a chance to make my mistakes, i WOULD like to be able to go with the one i love and experience what its like to be with someone who you care about and who you know cares about you. yeah. that's all. they think i dont have enough emotional maturity to stand a breakup. hate to break it to you, but i do. ive had that emotional maturity since first year, when my whole world almost came crashing down and when i nearly killed myself. whatever.
im glad im still alive but at the same time i think im killing myself slowly.
yeah i pretty much am.
and only one person is saving my sanity. well, him among patrisha and chris, jc and abigail. good Lord i have to speak to Abigail. i miss that girl.
im so glad that i met him, though. a lot of the times i find myself thinking about him at the most random time of the day. whenever i talk to him, i become so happy. i miss him a lot, and i wish that i was with him right now. sounds sooo sentimental, i know, but i really do. i havent seen him since before i left for the states... that was a very memorable time... *smiles reminiscently* ^^
my beloved dark angel... thank you so much for everything. i love you sooo much, and i hope you know that. i've never felt this way before, and im glad you taught me how to feel again, how to smile once more. i love you.

and by the way minna, this post never happened.

tomorrow's the l'arc con and i cant wait to see him again.and of course all my friends.

ja guys.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 9月 15, 2006

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水曜日, 9月 13, 2006

okay... so yeah. things in school are weird. there's nothing much to update except there was a screaming match between alex and the psycho librarian. >__>
whatever.
we went house painting today too. LOL
so tired...
miss him...
wahahaha.
see ya guys. im tired.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 9月 13, 2006

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火曜日, 9月 12, 2006

today was your ordinary day of basagness.
we had an "episode" with Miss Cortez involving Chynna dashing out of the elevator like a deranged rabbit, Kim thinking Chynna got eaten by the monster that is our chemistry teacher, and me standing like an idiot continuously pressing the down button of the elevator only to find out it doesnt work. haha.
and then there was me drawing Lil Jester, who i will cosplay. naduling ako sa checkers ng drawing niya! it took me the whole four hours of math and VA to draw her... and im not done with the shading yet!
and then there was dismissal. i swear dismissal was the nuttiest time of the day. Victor and Luke think Diego and I are together! partially our fault though, we were behaving like our usual cosplayer nutty selves. i glomped him for agreeing to lend us a sound system, for heaven's sake. haha. and then we got the strangest looks and we immediately realized they didnt get it. oh my God. that sucked!! so yeah. we were talking anyway and they left. however Diegs and I ran into Victor and Luke downstairs and then we received The Look. oh dear. so there. that was way weird. good thing they dont know i dropped him off at ATC. Diego lives in Ayala so its pretty near.
let me explain.
Diego and I are good friends, mainly because of cosplaying and the IB. we hang around together because we get along and nothing else. besides, i have someone else in my heart. sorry dudes. lol
so yeah. my day? weird.
lol
updates to come.

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 火曜日, 9月 12, 2006

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月曜日, 9月 11, 2006

Rage pulsing through your veins
Cursing everything and all you meet
Tired of waiting till your life wanes
Wishing that you werent so weak

Grab the gun in your drawer
Put the bullet through your head
Or stand atop the distant tower
And jump off the rail to end up dead

Slit your wrist and watch it bleed
Your life dripping out drop by drop
Watch the puddle grow; youve done your deed
This crimson stream that cant be stopped

Hang yourself with a rope and hook
Feel your breath slowly disappear
Try not to count how long it took
Before you reach the final frontier

But then, is it really worth it
To kill yourself for such a reason
Think about the light that remains lit
Just wait for the change of season

So think, lower that gun
step down from that ledge
Hide the rope, watch for the sun
You've yet to reach your edge.

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 9月 11, 2006

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Watching the busy streets before me
Listening to the voices and their laughter
Oh how my shackled heart yearns to be free!
To break these chains and start a new chapter

Still waiting and yearning, I've yet to be found
Wondering the reason for my creation
Clinging to the cross to which I am bound
Yet knowing in you I will find my dark salvation

Searching for my dark angel amidst the blackened sky
All the while pondering the existence of such a being
Continuously searching for where his soul may lie
For in his heart lies the truth to my meaning

One day under the blue moon we shall meet
I and the black-winged angel I so patiently seek
Forever, such sweet words we shall repeat
Together forever, or 'till the world turns bleak

Under the light of the moon we shall dance
Flowing with the wind, two hearts as one
Such a beauty, such a marvelous trance
And a bond than can be broken by none

I know he remains somewhere out there
Though it is but by dream that I feel it
But I know he is waiting there somewhere
And one day we will meet, before time's limit

Yet that day remains but an distant dream
For I remain here, all shackled and chained
With black memories flowing in a constant steam
As I wait for the one to free a heart so pained.

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 9月 11, 2006

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日曜日, 9月 10, 2006

okay today was good, i guess.
back to dialup though and i want to cry.
anyway, we slept at the Manila Penn last night.
it was great... except for the fact i had to sleep on the couch. whoopdeedoo. and i thought my couch-sleeping days were over when i left LA. >_< oh well, i guess not.
i do hope you liked the poem i put above.
i got some of it from the greeting of my blog. its still sad and dark, as i am, but not as touching or heart-wrenching as i usually make them. *sigh*
i have to find my inspiration again. i have to get back into it.
but thanks Khal for helping me. ^_^

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 9月 10, 2006

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土曜日, 9月 09, 2006

ooh DNAngel.
Light and Dark are cute.
today is Anton's birthday. Happy Birthday.
i am very basag. see ya later.

kanae

Kanae wrote alone 土曜日, 9月 09, 2006

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金曜日, 9月 08, 2006

okay so i am blogging in school. LOL
anyway, yeah.
blogging while talking to Shirley and NC. this is fun.
so... it turns out i dont have to go to school until 12pm because i dont have to attend Extended Essay and Business Class. yey. what the hell am i still doing here? i dont know.
okay ive been thinking lately.
i've been smiling and i've been really happy lately. ive never really been this happy before. or i dont know, maybe i have but i just dont remember it. all my good memories have been eaten up by the shadows within me, leaving behind only the sad and painful memories. nice, isnt it?
its nice to have this feeling. but because of scars i cant really trust myself in this. im so scared it will be taken away from me. yes im a coward. shut up.
i have too many scars that refuse to be healed.
to happier things.
yes, ive been good.
yesterday two or three cockroaches fell out of the a/c in the conference room. EW!! nasty!
and then ive been having a weird imagination lately... way toooo much sugar adn hyperness in my blood. lol.
im really happy now. ^_^
oh im now part of the school debate team. omg i didnt know i debated. is that a word? dont give. anyway, i know have somethign to do. yey.
i want to go home and sleep *yawn*
cant wait for VA class... LOL
ahahahaha.
apparently the teachers were talking about me and my gothic-ness. and im misunderstood.
thank you sir claro ramirez.
anyway yeah.
and by the way, why do people not like emos? emos are okay. hey Khal's emo and he's nice~
i dont get it >_<
anway
see ya

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 金曜日, 9月 08, 2006

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水曜日, 9月 06, 2006

okay today was good, surprisingly~
let's see...
first of all, today was mufti day. i got to wear my new outfit and scare half the school. wahahaha! but surprisingly, a bunch of people liked it. ^_^ yey. acceptance. Miss Nakpil said i looked like a model. wah!
i wasnt late for English class, and i guess i did pretty well there. found a new rate for Hongkong-England on a new airline. 75pounds one way! not bad...
and then i found out today that CHICOSCI and URBANDUB are playing in Southville on October 20,2006!! OMG!! CHICOSCI!! I LOVE THEM (esp. Miguel Chavez XD i've admired that guy since... last year. stig siya!) i volunteered to MC the concert. sana makuha ko!! i so need a picture with Chicosci! XD
talked to Khal too. ^_^ that was nice. dear, dont fall asleep in class... LOL
hey, i stopped myself from falling asleep in History. yeah!
oooh i also saw Ji Yong Kim, who i havent seen in so long. Sang Hun was there daw but i didnt get to see him. noooo~ SANG HUN!!! *cries* wah i miss him!
he sings sooo well @_@ it amazes me.
anyway... i talked a lot to Diego today; we've been hanging out these past few days lol. he's now "one of us." LOL!
him and Hannah (year1)...
Arisa said she liked my outfit! i can die happy now. LOL
anyway, so yeah. Diego's like my little brother now... or no, not little brother. kuya maybe? not yet eh. kambal? naaah. i dont know. basta my brother XD wheee~~
so anyway... today was good.
see ya guys!

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 水曜日, 9月 06, 2006

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月曜日, 9月 04, 2006

current mood: thoughtful
current music: Paris by Chicosci, First of Summer by Urbandub, Mr. Brightside by the Killers,

okay. so i havent had time to update but there have been interesting 'happenings' in my life. wow its raining. perfect weather for my thoughtful mood.
last weekend was the Welcome Home Gothloli06 EB. i was actually very touched that they thought of having one for me. I was really glad to see them again though the one i wanted to see most wasn't there due to unforseen circumstances. Still, it was nice to see them and hang around with them again.
i saw kuya Ly and that was nice. KUYA!! i missed him~ lol. he's inviting me to do Miss Doublefinger for the One Piece group. it's for the Toei Con... i'll think about it. i already have a commitment to the WTF Naruto group and/or Sakura Wars Team with Batella.
anyway... yes.
i had a strange dream last night. i guess it's because my mom and i had a chat about my past near-relationships with Ayan, Fumi and Chris G. in my dream i saw CG and some of my other batchmates like Bobbie, Tim and Ivan Cuevas. In that dream though, CG was smoking (no surprise) and he had a girl with him. i wasn't jealous or anything, but i remember thinking in the dream and when i woke up,
"i hope you're okay wherever you are, and that she's taking care of you as much as i tried to."
i even remember my words to ivan then.
"Ivan, please tell her to take care of Chris and his heart," I said. "And tell her to anoy him about his homeworks or he won't do them on his own [-_-*]."
i must have had a wistful look on my face because ivan asked me,
"do you still like him?"
i shook my head and smiled then.
"no, i'm over him," i remember saying. "i've found someone else... but that doesnt mean that i no longer care for my friend."
that part has been stuck in my head... i guess i kinda miss talking to him. we were friends first, after all. lol
anyway, yeah... it got me thinking for a while. but im glad i met him. he taught me a lot of stuff (like hitting a person with a 900+ page Biology book really gets them to shut up) and how to solve really hard geometry problems. haha. thanks Chris. maybe one day you'll read this. lol
but anyway...
talked to Diego today, and it was... interesting. he's a nice kid. i learned some stuff from him lol.
so yeah...
first day of school is a pain. really.
i want to escape...
but im kinda glad im back in SISC. i did miss some of my classmates, afterall. haha.
see ya guys

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 月曜日, 9月 04, 2006

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