in the midst of my solitude

日曜日, 8月 06, 2006

listening to: Hero- Arashi, Half-Pain- Bana, Cosmos no Saku Goro- Buzy, Venus Say- Buzy, Kagami no Naka- can/goo, Hitotsu=Unmei no Kyodatai- can/goo, Kimi ga Iru- Chemistry, Wings of Words- Chemisty, Fukai Mori- Do As Infinity, Aozora no Namida- Hitomi Takahashi
mood: blank, slightly depressed

let's see.
went to Hot Topic again yesterday, saw Ragdoll and Flowergirl (Precious Miseries) dolls but wasnt able to buy them coz dad said they looked like voodoo dolls. >_< dammit! i bought a blouse instead. it's punky so i like it.
dad wants me to stop wearing black. oh joy. >_< at least i've defined EGL to him so hopefully he wont tell me to stop dressing in EGL fashion or Harajuku styles.
i've got a bunch of outfits now; can't wait to wear them at home. ^_^
i was really homesick last night. Mom, Anton and Mike called to say hi, and after i put down the phone, i wanted to cry. thank goodness i was talking to Ate Shorty, Ate Anjelle and Yoru-kun then. if i wasnt, then i would have lost my sanity and cried. i don't know why i was so homesick. they're in Corregidor right now. hope they're having fun.
i wonder how the EBs went... there was one in Mega for WTF?! and one in SM North Edsa for PC. i miss everyone really badly.
i'm done packing already for my trip to Washington, New York and San Francisco. I have so much clothes!! i dont even know if my suitcase will stay under the 70 pound limit. @_@ i didn't know i bought that much stuff here...
i want to cosplay Tetsuya Ogawa so badly!! rrrr... asar!
i have opinions now for my Precious Miseries cosplay.
Goth and Glaive seem to be in the lead with three points each, followed by Lolita, Jester and Albino, then Heartbreaker and Prom Queen. everyone says Goth best suits me. why, thank you! i love her. ^_^ i find Lolita and Jester absolutely adorable though! i already have a catwalk idea for Lolita. just follow the host around... LOL
hey, that's what she does.
i want to order that Alice Ever Falling book already!! I just can't seem to get the idea out to my dad. asar.
Dad wants me to take Business as a course in college. what!? i can't do that... im not even taking business in my IB! if everyone wants Andrea to take nursing, in my case, everyone wants me to take business.
i don't want to! i have a mind for business, sure, but i can't stand numbers at all! >_< but sadly, i am considering it. a double degree in Business and Japanese language? not bad, i guess.
at least then i have two options.
i hate thinking about the future, mainly because i know nothing really awaits me there. i just want to enjoy now. the past holds nothing for me; the future is always uncertain. i just like being in the present. i never want to move. it may seem selfish, but i've been scarred too many times to care. i don't like uncertainties. i wish everything were as it seemed, but i know that's too much to ask.
I'm a little Alice in Wonderland.
i always was terrified of that book. i hated the movie; it scared me as a child. until now i still don't like it. i think it's because i saw through all the color and fake smiles of the movie and instead saw the illogic, the uncertainties, the helplessness of the little girl lost in a world that was not her own, and saw myself in her. as a child i knew the world was not the happy place they always tell you in storybooks; i knew of the pains of the world too. i knew fairytales never came true, but i liked to dream on anyway. until now i dream of worlds like those in the movies, where everything you wanted could come true, that you could be free, that you could be a princess if you tried. but still it discourages me because i know that you can't. no matter how hard you try the world isnt going to change; everyone will remain the same. no matter what. and that really depresses me.
they say i put the troubles of the world on my shoulders. so i do. i think about the other's suffering and not just my own. i don't mind if i'm in pain, i just don't want the ones that i love to feel or know it. i havent killed myself, i havent physically scarred myself for that reason. i don't want anyone else to see when im in pain, because then they will worry and be in pain too. i hate that. to be the cause of my loved ones' tears or pain is what i am most afraid of. i hope i never am...
im off to Washington DC later and i wont have any internet. when i do get on the internet im pretty sure it will be very short. i'll miss talking to my friends... i'll miss talking to him. i have to check time differences so i can time OL schedules if i can. hopefully i can catch them.
dad wants me to stop going on the internet for extended periods at a time. he says im becoming addicted to ot; that my whole life revolves around the computer. what!? it's only here in LA that ive been on the computer for a long time. know why?! because i cant relate with anything here. Andrea watches TV while talking to her friends, Dad, tita Leila and tito George all talk about the stock market or Rod Stewart (well, that was last night's conversation). i have no interest in the stock market or Rod Stewart. plus im dreadfully homesick. that's why i stay infront of the computer... because i want to talk to them again. that's all.
i know my friends are not the only people in this world. of course. there are 6-7Billion people out there. 8million live in the Philippines alone. 1million in Manila. well, i really have no interest in meeting them. the reason i love my friends so is because i feel that at least i can be myself with them, and that they understand who i am. Sofia has been my friend for four years now. i've met so many people through her.
and besides, it's not as if they're my only friends. i have other friends too, but it's different when you're with your barkada, with the people you really share the same interests with, the people you really trust. i find it hard to trust people and to find interest in them. that's why i only keep a small circle of friends close to me. mom and dad dont understand that. i wish they would.
i like being alone. they have a weird child. sorry. ive been scarred enough, i don't want to risk it again.
*sigh*
oh well...
maybe they'll think about it while im gone. im growing up. let me grow. i don't want to remain like Jun Sakurada in Rozen Maiden: unable to grow.
he was being stunted by his sickness, i am being stunted by their protection.
things im bringing to the GYLC:
clothes,
Shiroi,
Myk's drumsticks,
bracelets from Kuya Lyron
bangles
money
other misc stuff

i wear Kuya Ly's bracelets everyday here. it reminds me of home. i wish i brought the white thing too. darn. michael asked me where i got the bracelets, and when i told him that it was from Kuya Ly, he started saying that Kuya might like me. haha... no. kuya ko yun! lol.
waah i miss everyone again.
wish me luck in Washington and New York.
i'll try to update whenever possible.
ja~

Kanae

Kanae wrote alone 日曜日, 8月 06, 2006

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